Saturday, January 14, 2012


I did it.  I scheduled my appointment.  I have the CPT codes they are using for billing, so this week my mission is to call my insurance and find out how much this ultrasound is going to set me back.  That...and I need to keep my fingers crossed that my monthly "friend" doesn't come around because I'm not having the kind of ultrasound I have to have with that going on.

Anyway, I'm doing it.  I don't want to.  I've just gotten to the point where the pain it is causing me is causing me more fear of the unknown than finding out just what is going on.

I know that what I'm about to say is extreme, but maybe that's because I am a little extreme.  I don't know.  I'm so afraid they will find me riddled with cancerous tumors, perhaps so far out of control, 4 months later, to be able to anything.  

When you've had health problems that have ROBBED you of so much of your life, it is hard not to think of when you're facing another medical worry.   I've experience physical pain due to my neurological problem, and thanks to my neurological problem, I have also experienced the anguish of mental illness.  Of course if you are mentally ill, you aren't functional, right?  You're just "crazy" because face it, that's the stigma mental illness carries, to this day.  I am thankful for friends and family that know me, the real me, not letting the sick parts of me define who I am.  I am thankful that I have friends who have known the experienced both words of physical and mental anguish, and it makes life easier to know you can talk to someone who "gets it."

January 24th. I did it.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Neglecting Mama

I am all about being pro-active about one's health.  I read all kinds of news articles, I watch documentaries, and I am trying to make conscious efforts to improve the quality of my family's life by the things we eat, the things we clean our homes and bodies with, and how we store our food.  We avoid HFCS, cellulose, and now canola oil.  We have slowly transitioned from our old plastic storage containers for leftovers to only using pyrex glass containers.  Ayla doesn't drink juice anymore because of arsenic and all the other garbage in juice, even the organic brand that we'd switched to after deciding to no longer purchase Juicy Juice due to our Nestle boycott.

But I must admit I am neglecting to take care of an issue that has been going on for over 4 months.

In August, I made an appointment with a new doctor.  I don't have a primary care physician, and I needed one.  To be honest, if I hadn't been at my wits end in need of a possible migraine medication (which was worthless, I should medicate with tic tacs next time) and a refill of Zoloft for all my scary/anxious/obsessive thoughts, I wouldn't have gone.  Another perk of going was that this lovely doctor could also do my well-woman (read: gyno) appointment for me.

When she did my pelvic exam, I felt extreme pain on my left side.  A few seconds later, she asked if I had a history of cysts in my family.  We do, however they are cysts in the ta-tas, not in the ovaries.  The painful spot she hit was my left ovary (who knew??), and she said it was inflamed.  She gave me orders for an ultrasound, saying she'd like me to get it checked out. ultrasound, potential hundreds of dollars (that I don't have), and for what?  For a problem, that at the time, didn't seem like much of a problem.

I know way more about insurance than any 28-year-old should, and I can tell you that it is always a battle.  90% of the time, it is never simple.  Its not just my insurance-its any insurance I've ever dealt with.

I have insurance, and I cannot afford to go to the doctor.  I'm still paying $25 at a time for the birth of my daughter.  Who was born in 2009.  Yeah...

An ultrasound didn't seem to be a pressing issue at the time because it wasn't bothering me.  This was in August.  Maybe it was bothering me because over the next couple weeks, I noticed a nagging pain-in my left ovary.  My threshold for pain is pretty high, which comes with the territory of having chronic pain for 15+ years

Over the next few weeks, I focused on planning our wedding, and I even made an appointment to have the ultrasound done (thanks to my friend Michelle who yelled at me) right before the wedding.  My period came, so my appointment got cancelled.  I told them I'd call to reschedule.  Sad to say, but they're still waiting on my phone call.

The pain has waxed and waned over the course of the last few months.  Sometimes, I feel like it has completely disappeared, and I feel relieved.  Sometimes, the pain radiates down my leg and into my back.  That completely freaks me out.

I want to have more babies.  At least another.  God knows if we could actually afford more than 1 more.  When I have friends or family struggling with their health, I harass them and push them until they take care of it.  Often times, I go with.  Several years ago, I was the go-to gal for anyone who needed a trip to the emergency room.  I've been with friends who have attempted suicide.  I've brought smoothies and sandwiches to friends just out of surgery.

I can't make myself go.

I need to.  I will.

Nothing is wrong with me, I'm sure.  Nothing serious, right?  It can't be serious.  Except I know that it can be serious, even though it probably isn't.  

I'm scared that my uterus is riddled with cancerous tumors.  The good news is, it is probably just a cyst...or even nothing.  When nothing is wrong, it usually doesn't seem so much like something.  The thought of being really sick is more than I can bear.  The thought of having problems that could jeopardize my fertility causes me grief. 

My distrust for the medical system runs long and deep.

I know what I need to do, but taking care of Mama is the easiest job to neglect.