Posts

A broken system.

Today, the judicial system failed Trayvon Martin.  Today, the laws failed Travyon.  Today, a child's killer will walk free because of words like "stand your ground" and "beyond a reasonable doubt."

I watch people laud and stand proudly in amazement of the way our legal system works and functions.

I am not impressed.

You see, on May 24, 2002 at 3:08 pm, the system failed me.  The laws and the verbage of the eighth circuit courts in the state of Iowa failed ME.  The jury, eager to return to their lives, especially on a Friday afternoon with a 3-day weekend that would surely be interrupted by further deliberations, were acting according to the law, the instructions of the judge, words-powerful words...

I do not feel the system worked.  I have been on the other side.  The all those forming their opinions, perhaps the "greatness" of our system and laws would be less than great if you had the displeasure of taking a walk on the "other side."

The …

5k

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Yesterday, after a summer full of training, I completed my first ever 5k.  My training was a long road, with a couple of bumps.  At one point, I thought the training was exacerbating my migraines, so I stopped training.  Then, I realized that tons of people had migraines the week I was struggling, so I think it was more about the weather/barometric pressure than it was the running.  So I got back on board.  With my sister's wedding and back to work, I found myself exhausted and only got to train 1-2 times a week (on a good week) in the 3 weeks leading up to the 5k.

Once upon a time, I tried to get into running, but it never "stuck."  This time, I got into it in desperation to lose weight.  The frustrations I've experienced over the last 1-2 years on and off with counting calories, working out, and trying everything I know how to do (short of starving myself) have been exhausting.  I've watched those around me do just what I am doing and lose lots of weight.  Truth…

For the Moms...

I am surrounded by moms that inspire me beyond words.  Moms who encourage me, who push me, and who are there for me through everything.  Here's to the moms...
To my grandma Kathleen, who I never got to meet.  You and Grandpa Denny have left a legacy behind and were able to instill love and values in your children,  in my very own mom, in the short years you got to be with them. I've been blessed to have my mom 20 years longer than she had you, and I hope for 20 more and 20 after those too. When I look at your pictures with your two different colored eyes and my same crooked smile, I feel like I know you.  I feel like you are a part of me.  My own mom made sure you were alive to us, that we always knew about you. 
To my Mama Jennifer.  You have always talked to me like your daughter AND friend.  You've given me honesty and openness that most mothers don't afford their daughters.  When doctors didn't believe in me, y0u did.  When doctors wanted to butcher me, you s…

Words, thoughts, and pets

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It has been quite some time since I last blogged.  I felt like I had run out of things to say.  I worried so much about how what I was saying would be received.  I feared I'd fall too much to one side or another of the fine line I was toting between insightful and fact-sharing with being "too much."  For those who know and love me, they get that I am often "too much" and love me for it anyway.  For those who know me and hate me, they'll get over it.

My ultrasound of my ovaries revealed a complex benign cyst on my right ovary, which is strange considering that my left ovary was causing me so many problems.  Eventually, I may have to go back for a repeat ultrasound, but for now I have been feeling much better.

In other news, I went gluten-free for about a month.  I experienced far fewer migraines, and I became accustomed to living a GF lifestyle.  Then, Brandon and I went on our honeymoon to Savannah, GA (along with a 1 day visit to St. Augustine), where we ind…

Update

I did it.  I scheduled my appointment.  I have the CPT codes they are using for billing, so this week my mission is to call my insurance and find out how much this ultrasound is going to set me back.  That...and I need to keep my fingers crossed that my monthly "friend" doesn't come around because I'm not having the kind of ultrasound I have to have with that going on.

Anyway, I'm doing it.  I don't want to.  I've just gotten to the point where the pain it is causing me is causing me more fear of the unknown than finding out just what is going on.

I know that what I'm about to say is extreme, but maybe that's because I am a little extreme.  I don't know.  I'm so afraid they will find me riddled with cancerous tumors, perhaps so far out of control, 4 months later, to be able to anything.  

When you've had health problems that have ROBBED you of so much of your life, it is hard not to think of when you're facing another medical worry. …

Neglecting Mama

I am all about being pro-active about one's health.  I read all kinds of news articles, I watch documentaries, and I am trying to make conscious efforts to improve the quality of my family's life by the things we eat, the things we clean our homes and bodies with, and how we store our food.  We avoid HFCS, cellulose, and now canola oil.  We have slowly transitioned from our old plastic storage containers for leftovers to only using pyrex glass containers.  Ayla doesn't drink juice anymore because of arsenic and all the other garbage in juice, even the organic brand that we'd switched to after deciding to no longer purchase Juicy Juice due to our Nestle boycott.


But I must admit I am neglecting to take care of an issue that has been going on for over 4 months.


In August, I made an appointment with a new doctor.  I don't have a primary care physician, and I needed one.  To be honest, if I hadn't been at my wits end in need of a possible migraine medication (which w…

Never alone

A couple nights ago, my daughter caused herself to puke since she was upset, well that was the straw on my back.  I cried my eyes out, and while my hormonal woman time is sure to be partially to blame, I know that that's not all.

It is very hard sometimes to deal with those "mommy frustrations."  

Sometimes for me, it is impossible.

While I won't totally go into it, I will admit something. My "post-partum depression" is really more like post-partum OCD.  My life, at different periods since having bitty, have been filled with overwhelming thoughts of "what if I harmed her?"  Or if I go look in on her and check on her breathing, as I still always do every single day...well, sometimes my brain signals get mixed up.  My relief at her being okay gets mixed up with my worries, such as what if she stopped breathing, and the result is I feel relieved but am attributing it to whatever fear I had coming true.  Which is torturous.  It has made me feel at times …