High blood pressure and failure
I haven't blogged in 4 years. I stopped because I felt like anything I had to say, someone else would surely say so why should I bother? I guess it felt like I shouldn't try, no one would care, why waste my time yelling into the abyss?
A lot has changed in the last 4 years, including adding a baby (now toddler) to the family, along with a pit bull puppy, bringing our pooch count to 3. I've been through a separation and resurrection of my marriage. I've been on a solo trip to meet my soul sisters, my fellow warrior mamas, that filled my heart and soul in ways I still can't describe fully. I even quit teaching in the middle of my 10th year after spending a few semesters working full-time and taking full-time prerequisite classes to apply to the nursing program. I got accepted and walked away from 10 years of laughter and friendships, as well as stress and micromanagement. I took this wild leap of faith that I still can't fully wrap my head around. When people say how brave it was, I dismiss it, but it really was.
I've managed to survive nursing school so far, managing As and Bs in all my classes. As a type A, controlling, straight A student, that has been an adjustment. But, what can I say, I got over it. The first semester of nursing school, I substituted at the same school I resigned from, which transitioned me; fading from my role as teacher to my role as Ayla's mom. Since then, I've been working part time as a nurse tech (aka a glorified CNA), which is butt-busting, grueling, humbling work. Nine months were spent on one unit, before leaving my comfort zone yet again to go to another. As soon as I accepted my offer to join my new unit, I wanted to crawl into a hole and forget the whole thing. Thankfully, I love my new team and unit; it was just the move I needed to make. It feels good to be supported and valued, and I love my teams' willingness to teach me.
So why did I decide to start blogging again? I guess because I have more to say than can be captured in a brief Facebook rant. The real catalyst was a meltdown I had last Wednesday.
A little background: I had high blood pressure at the end of my pregnancy with Ayla, and I was put on bed rest and hospitalized at the end of my pregnancy with Judah due to pre-eclampsia. Sweet Judah never latched and breastfed, despite doing everything under the sun (tongue and lip tie revisions, chiropractic care, seeing an IBCLC) to help him. I became a full-time exclusive pumper for the first 14 months of his life. The point is, my body was a calorie burning, fat burning machine. In fact, I left the hospital at around 150 pounds, less than I weighed when I got pregnant with Judah. Over the next 14 months, I maintained the same weight within about 10 pounds. When I quit pumping, I continued dysfunctional eating patterns (ones I've battled my entire life, through RSD, through a marital separation, and every other up and down) and gained weight, ballooning up to 180 pounds.
The whole point? I am now facing issues with high blood pressure, probably linked to my clinical obesity (since I "should" weigh 100 pounds at 5 feet tall). I kept telling myself, "I will lose the weight, get my blood pressure under control. That's what the doctor will tell me anyway." Even with my health at stake, I have completely failed to get my eating and weight under control. It makes me feel weak and stupid and like a complete failure. I took my blood pressure on Wednesday, and it sucked. I have been noticing more BP related headaches, which feel entirely different than migraines, and I've even started having pulsatile tinnitus (the sound of your heart beating in your ear) in my left ear. I decided, upon having this meltdown, that I will suck it up and just call my doctor. I'll go on medication. Something has to change, and me losing weight doesn't seem like that's going to be it right now.
If I could take back all the countless minutes and hours and days I have spent overeating or undereating, fixating on my weight and diets, and loathing myself for my struggles with food, I would have an abundance of time to use for something fruitful perhaps. I don't know. I still don't know the answer, and I wish I could wave a magic wand and make this whole hot mess of a personal struggle go away, but I can't. I can write about it though. I believe in the power of "me too" and strength in vulnerability.
I don't have the answers, but I have my words and perhaps that will be a powerful start to my own path to healing or self-compassion or...something.
A lot has changed in the last 4 years, including adding a baby (now toddler) to the family, along with a pit bull puppy, bringing our pooch count to 3. I've been through a separation and resurrection of my marriage. I've been on a solo trip to meet my soul sisters, my fellow warrior mamas, that filled my heart and soul in ways I still can't describe fully. I even quit teaching in the middle of my 10th year after spending a few semesters working full-time and taking full-time prerequisite classes to apply to the nursing program. I got accepted and walked away from 10 years of laughter and friendships, as well as stress and micromanagement. I took this wild leap of faith that I still can't fully wrap my head around. When people say how brave it was, I dismiss it, but it really was.
I've managed to survive nursing school so far, managing As and Bs in all my classes. As a type A, controlling, straight A student, that has been an adjustment. But, what can I say, I got over it. The first semester of nursing school, I substituted at the same school I resigned from, which transitioned me; fading from my role as teacher to my role as Ayla's mom. Since then, I've been working part time as a nurse tech (aka a glorified CNA), which is butt-busting, grueling, humbling work. Nine months were spent on one unit, before leaving my comfort zone yet again to go to another. As soon as I accepted my offer to join my new unit, I wanted to crawl into a hole and forget the whole thing. Thankfully, I love my new team and unit; it was just the move I needed to make. It feels good to be supported and valued, and I love my teams' willingness to teach me.
So why did I decide to start blogging again? I guess because I have more to say than can be captured in a brief Facebook rant. The real catalyst was a meltdown I had last Wednesday.
A little background: I had high blood pressure at the end of my pregnancy with Ayla, and I was put on bed rest and hospitalized at the end of my pregnancy with Judah due to pre-eclampsia. Sweet Judah never latched and breastfed, despite doing everything under the sun (tongue and lip tie revisions, chiropractic care, seeing an IBCLC) to help him. I became a full-time exclusive pumper for the first 14 months of his life. The point is, my body was a calorie burning, fat burning machine. In fact, I left the hospital at around 150 pounds, less than I weighed when I got pregnant with Judah. Over the next 14 months, I maintained the same weight within about 10 pounds. When I quit pumping, I continued dysfunctional eating patterns (ones I've battled my entire life, through RSD, through a marital separation, and every other up and down) and gained weight, ballooning up to 180 pounds.
The whole point? I am now facing issues with high blood pressure, probably linked to my clinical obesity (since I "should" weigh 100 pounds at 5 feet tall). I kept telling myself, "I will lose the weight, get my blood pressure under control. That's what the doctor will tell me anyway." Even with my health at stake, I have completely failed to get my eating and weight under control. It makes me feel weak and stupid and like a complete failure. I took my blood pressure on Wednesday, and it sucked. I have been noticing more BP related headaches, which feel entirely different than migraines, and I've even started having pulsatile tinnitus (the sound of your heart beating in your ear) in my left ear. I decided, upon having this meltdown, that I will suck it up and just call my doctor. I'll go on medication. Something has to change, and me losing weight doesn't seem like that's going to be it right now.
If I could take back all the countless minutes and hours and days I have spent overeating or undereating, fixating on my weight and diets, and loathing myself for my struggles with food, I would have an abundance of time to use for something fruitful perhaps. I don't know. I still don't know the answer, and I wish I could wave a magic wand and make this whole hot mess of a personal struggle go away, but I can't. I can write about it though. I believe in the power of "me too" and strength in vulnerability.
I don't have the answers, but I have my words and perhaps that will be a powerful start to my own path to healing or self-compassion or...something.
Getting all the feels as I read this! I, too, stopped writing my blog (though only a year ago, but my blog was only a few months old). And I, too, weighed less post-delivery than prior to pregnancy , and have gained it back (and am clinically overweight at the least). And the inner critic... me, too . Whatever you need to do for yourself right now, including meds for hbp, I support you, and send my strength and love.
ReplyDeleteI'm just seeing this now Mariah, thank you! The power of me too is strong. I'd love to read your writing. <3
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