Dirty Laundry
What other sensible non-sexy costume would a mom wear? I could have been a sexy kitten or sexy witch or sexy pirate or sexy fill-in-the-blank, but I wasn't feeling it. I have to say, the dirty laundry costume is one of my favorites so far.
We were all set and psyched to go "party" with our friends after going to Eau Gallie Baptist's Fall Fest/Trunk or Treat. Ayla had fun, her costume was lauded greatly, and she was excited to see the scary costumes, but somehow terribly afraid of the Santa costume she encountered. I passed out on our new couch while (exhuasted) Brandon finished his robot costume. We headed out at midnight, and we managed to make it until 2:30. It was really wonderful to see our friends who we love dearly. Things are different now, though. I had this conversation with a father friend of mine-about how being a parent changes a familiar scene. For many of us, there is no simple transition between "parent" and the other part of us that often goes unnoticed. Even another childless friend of mine and I had a discussion of how adulthood has changed for us over the last 2-3 years. The thing that makes me the saddest is that I love my friends, and I want to have the time to connect with them and nurture those relationships, but time is not an excess for me.
I feel like I'm limbo, stuck between the person I used to be and the person I am becoming. I've always been very introspective. As a child, I would spend hours looking in the mirror and trying to fully comprehend that I was a person, my very own self. To this day, if I think about it, I have that same 5-year-old feeling of awe and amazement. I've gone from one extreme to another: from focused on myself to totally focused on the best part of me, my daughter. How cliche' is that? Cliches exist because so often they are the essential truth.
I wonder about other parents and adults out there, those of us over the hill of 25 and approaching 30. I wonder about the thoughts and experiences and inner growing and struggle that goes on. Moms and Dads and people become islands in some ways, keeping to themselves about all that "personal" business and sticking to socially acceptable norms, such as the routine conversations in our lives. I want more than that; I want to connect to people on that level because realizing that you're not alone, but rather in great company (often the same company you've kept) is so liberating. The reason I got help for my post-partum issues was not because of my loved ones urging me. Crazily enough, it was because I saw an episode of Oprah called "The Secret Lives of Moms." Mothers confessed their dirty little secrets of motherly imperfection, such as fashioning a lunch out of the snacks in their car or the infrequency of scrub-a-dub baths their little ones get. Finally, Heather Armstrong of dooce.com came on and shared her story of wicked post-partum depression and everything she went through before she got help. Finally, I had permission to get help, to be imperfect, to admit that I couldn't do it alone. And trust me, I tried to do it alone, and with the help of those closest to me (in particular, my mom, my sister, my best friend Ette, and Brandon) for 6 months. Thanks to the wonderful love, support, and encouragement of the people in my life, along with a little friend I like to call Mr. Zoloft, I am much better. It doesn't mean that there are no struggles. It just means I give myself permission to be...to just be.
This post was about dirty laundry, after all.
We were all set and psyched to go "party" with our friends after going to Eau Gallie Baptist's Fall Fest/Trunk or Treat. Ayla had fun, her costume was lauded greatly, and she was excited to see the scary costumes, but somehow terribly afraid of the Santa costume she encountered. I passed out on our new couch while (exhuasted) Brandon finished his robot costume. We headed out at midnight, and we managed to make it until 2:30. It was really wonderful to see our friends who we love dearly. Things are different now, though. I had this conversation with a father friend of mine-about how being a parent changes a familiar scene. For many of us, there is no simple transition between "parent" and the other part of us that often goes unnoticed. Even another childless friend of mine and I had a discussion of how adulthood has changed for us over the last 2-3 years. The thing that makes me the saddest is that I love my friends, and I want to have the time to connect with them and nurture those relationships, but time is not an excess for me.
I feel like I'm limbo, stuck between the person I used to be and the person I am becoming. I've always been very introspective. As a child, I would spend hours looking in the mirror and trying to fully comprehend that I was a person, my very own self. To this day, if I think about it, I have that same 5-year-old feeling of awe and amazement. I've gone from one extreme to another: from focused on myself to totally focused on the best part of me, my daughter. How cliche' is that? Cliches exist because so often they are the essential truth.
I wonder about other parents and adults out there, those of us over the hill of 25 and approaching 30. I wonder about the thoughts and experiences and inner growing and struggle that goes on. Moms and Dads and people become islands in some ways, keeping to themselves about all that "personal" business and sticking to socially acceptable norms, such as the routine conversations in our lives. I want more than that; I want to connect to people on that level because realizing that you're not alone, but rather in great company (often the same company you've kept) is so liberating. The reason I got help for my post-partum issues was not because of my loved ones urging me. Crazily enough, it was because I saw an episode of Oprah called "The Secret Lives of Moms." Mothers confessed their dirty little secrets of motherly imperfection, such as fashioning a lunch out of the snacks in their car or the infrequency of scrub-a-dub baths their little ones get. Finally, Heather Armstrong of dooce.com came on and shared her story of wicked post-partum depression and everything she went through before she got help. Finally, I had permission to get help, to be imperfect, to admit that I couldn't do it alone. And trust me, I tried to do it alone, and with the help of those closest to me (in particular, my mom, my sister, my best friend Ette, and Brandon) for 6 months. Thanks to the wonderful love, support, and encouragement of the people in my life, along with a little friend I like to call Mr. Zoloft, I am much better. It doesn't mean that there are no struggles. It just means I give myself permission to be...to just be.
This post was about dirty laundry, after all.
Awesome Amber. I admire people that take the time to look inside and figure it all out. I was amused by your over the hill comment as I am a lot further up the hill than you are. After going through many changes and feelings like you are having-something a friend said to me really hit home. She is a writer and I will never say it as well as she did, but it was something like this, "I have learned that my life has seasons. This is my season to be a parent. Later it may be my season to date." I have thought of that so many times. I rarely sever relationships-in fact I can only think of two. I can think of many friends though that were crucial in my ife at one time and now I do not see them. Nothing bad happened between us but we both went different ways and started to make time for other things but not each other. It was hard to accept at first but I have decided that it is ok. As I have great faith, I truly believe that each one was meant to be in my life, at that time, for a reason and even tho I do not see them now I think of them fondly and wish them well. Many blessings-and I hope you keep writing.
ReplyDeleteAmber, you are amazing. Thank you for sharing your "dirty laundry." You are so right that we really need these relationships in order to survive. It sounds so silly, but we really can't survive without them and without true honesty and transparency. Love to you!
ReplyDeleteOh Amber my dear, the world is lucky you are an educator. You are such an eloquent and honest person. At times funny and even in a moment or two, heart-breaking! To me it is just dead on accurate! Your account of the changes in life as we move through non-parenting and what seems like endless youth into the role of parent as we mom's tend to divert so far from what we were to what we become, we don't even recognize the current self! I knw I struggle with this daily! You and I talked about all of these issues some months back and I to this day appreciate that conversation more than many I've had on the same topic! You were honest, forthcoming and non-judgemental! You made ME feel like I was not alone and had permission to just be! Just as those other mom's on TV did for you. I haven't made the jump to Mr. Zoloft....my own bottle of meds sits untouched in the cabinet and even after several docs and ALL of my family have encouraged me, I just can't bring myself to open it! I feel like that first pill will makes me a failure....maybe I can find my strength from you! Thanks for letting me put my 'dirty laundry' out there too! LOVE YOU!
ReplyDelete