"Forgive but don't forget, girl keep your head up...And when he tells you you ain't nuttin don't believe him. And if he can't learn to love you you should leave him." -Tupac
When I was a little girl, I was afraid of many things. Freddy Krueger. Being kidnapped. Getting a question wrong on homework or a test. Losing my parents since my mom lost hers.
I also remember being very afraid of having a boyfriend that hit me. I don't know where this fear came from. Perhaps too much adult TV and novels too mature for me, even though I could read them quite easily. (I always insisted on being more grown up than I was). Luckily, I grew up in a very loving home where my parents argued so seldom that when they did disagree, I was terrified they'd get a divorce. I just knew that to be a woman in a relationship with a man where I felt afraid for my own safety would be a terrible thing to endure.
This morning while on my way to work, I witnessed one of the most (if not the most) horrifying things I've ever seen. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a person balled up on the ground. At first, I thought it was just two kids goofing off (as kids will often do), but then I realized that the person on the ground was being brutally kicked and punched with such force, it hurt to see. I immediately pulled over and got out of my car. I had just explained to my mom what I saw, and before I could even tell her what I was going to do, I just hung up. I called 911 and reported what I'd just seen. By the time I ended the call, the man (attacker) and woman (victim) were walking in my direction. He was holding her up by the arm, but she was crying...wiping her eyes. She was doubling over, in immense pain I can only imagine. I quickly got in my car, looking out for my own safety. I drove away. I couldn't help but feel like there was something else I should've done. Maybe I should've stayed to make sure that the cops arrived and were able to find the couple. Maybe I should've honked my horn and caused a big scene. But then again, maybe not. Maybe by me leaving quietly, I allowed the cops to do their job. I hope they made it in time.
Then, I arrived at work, where I had to put on a happy face and have a productive day with my students just 20 minutes later. It wasn't easy to get out of my head. As I sit here tonight after enjoying a nice meal and evening with my family, I am thankful. But I keep thinking about that woman and wishing I could've done more for her.
I hope for my daughter that she never faces a situation where a man treats her with anything less than the utmost love and respect. I don't want her to face situations that I have, where men have disrespected me, my beliefs, my wishes. I've had my secrets shared, my name trashed. I've been stalked. I've been threatened. Other situations were not such a big deal, but they still left me feeling like there were no good men to be found. Some boyfriends were worse than others. One was particularly bad. When I hear his name or think of him, I am haunted. He never hit me, but his words and actions damaged a piece of me. I hope for my Ayla that she values herself more and regards herself more highly than I did for many of the years of my life.
I guess I keep coming back to the question-why do I write this blog? Why do I expose my thoughts, my feelings? Even though I know I don't have a huge following on this blog, I hope that the truths I speak and the opinions I share (whether my readers agree or not) leave a meaningful mark behind for my readers. Whether a laugh, a moment shared, the feeling that you're not alone, the spark of a new interest, or some fun and helpful facts.
Now I leave you with an excerpt to the song "Keep Ya Head Up" by Tupac. I honestly can't say if I've heard this song or not, but the lyrics are so meaningful.
I also remember being very afraid of having a boyfriend that hit me. I don't know where this fear came from. Perhaps too much adult TV and novels too mature for me, even though I could read them quite easily. (I always insisted on being more grown up than I was). Luckily, I grew up in a very loving home where my parents argued so seldom that when they did disagree, I was terrified they'd get a divorce. I just knew that to be a woman in a relationship with a man where I felt afraid for my own safety would be a terrible thing to endure.
This morning while on my way to work, I witnessed one of the most (if not the most) horrifying things I've ever seen. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a person balled up on the ground. At first, I thought it was just two kids goofing off (as kids will often do), but then I realized that the person on the ground was being brutally kicked and punched with such force, it hurt to see. I immediately pulled over and got out of my car. I had just explained to my mom what I saw, and before I could even tell her what I was going to do, I just hung up. I called 911 and reported what I'd just seen. By the time I ended the call, the man (attacker) and woman (victim) were walking in my direction. He was holding her up by the arm, but she was crying...wiping her eyes. She was doubling over, in immense pain I can only imagine. I quickly got in my car, looking out for my own safety. I drove away. I couldn't help but feel like there was something else I should've done. Maybe I should've stayed to make sure that the cops arrived and were able to find the couple. Maybe I should've honked my horn and caused a big scene. But then again, maybe not. Maybe by me leaving quietly, I allowed the cops to do their job. I hope they made it in time.
Then, I arrived at work, where I had to put on a happy face and have a productive day with my students just 20 minutes later. It wasn't easy to get out of my head. As I sit here tonight after enjoying a nice meal and evening with my family, I am thankful. But I keep thinking about that woman and wishing I could've done more for her.
I hope for my daughter that she never faces a situation where a man treats her with anything less than the utmost love and respect. I don't want her to face situations that I have, where men have disrespected me, my beliefs, my wishes. I've had my secrets shared, my name trashed. I've been stalked. I've been threatened. Other situations were not such a big deal, but they still left me feeling like there were no good men to be found. Some boyfriends were worse than others. One was particularly bad. When I hear his name or think of him, I am haunted. He never hit me, but his words and actions damaged a piece of me. I hope for my Ayla that she values herself more and regards herself more highly than I did for many of the years of my life.
I guess I keep coming back to the question-why do I write this blog? Why do I expose my thoughts, my feelings? Even though I know I don't have a huge following on this blog, I hope that the truths I speak and the opinions I share (whether my readers agree or not) leave a meaningful mark behind for my readers. Whether a laugh, a moment shared, the feeling that you're not alone, the spark of a new interest, or some fun and helpful facts.
Now I leave you with an excerpt to the song "Keep Ya Head Up" by Tupac. I honestly can't say if I've heard this song or not, but the lyrics are so meaningful.
Some say the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice
I say the darker the flesh then the deeper the roots
I give a holler to my sisters on welfare
Tupac cares, and don't nobody else care
And uhh, I know they like to beat ya down a lot
When you come around the block brothas clown a lot
But please don't cry, dry your eyes, never let up
Forgive but don't forget, girl keep your head up
And when he tells you you ain't nuttin don't believe him
And if he can't learn to love you you should leave him
Cause sista you don't need him
And I ain't tryin to gas ya up, I just call em how I see em
You know it makes me unhappy (what's that)
When brothas make babies, and leave a young mother to be a pappy
And since we all came from a woman
Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman
I wonder why we take from our women
Why we rape our women, do we hate our women?
I think it's time to kill for our women
Time to heal our women, be real to our women
And if we don't we'll have a race of babies
That will hate the ladies, that make the babies
And since a man can't make one
He has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one
So will the real men get up
I know you're fed up ladies, but keep your head up
Keep ya head up, oooo child things are gonna get easier
ooooo child things are gonna get brighter
I say the darker the flesh then the deeper the roots
I give a holler to my sisters on welfare
Tupac cares, and don't nobody else care
And uhh, I know they like to beat ya down a lot
When you come around the block brothas clown a lot
But please don't cry, dry your eyes, never let up
Forgive but don't forget, girl keep your head up
And when he tells you you ain't nuttin don't believe him
And if he can't learn to love you you should leave him
Cause sista you don't need him
And I ain't tryin to gas ya up, I just call em how I see em
You know it makes me unhappy (what's that)
When brothas make babies, and leave a young mother to be a pappy
And since we all came from a woman
Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman
I wonder why we take from our women
Why we rape our women, do we hate our women?
I think it's time to kill for our women
Time to heal our women, be real to our women
And if we don't we'll have a race of babies
That will hate the ladies, that make the babies
And since a man can't make one
He has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one
So will the real men get up
I know you're fed up ladies, but keep your head up
Keep ya head up, oooo child things are gonna get easier
ooooo child things are gonna get brighter
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