Babies
I want another baby someday, but I'm afraid.
Truly. I so very much want to have another sweet little one, another pregnancy (for all its ups and downs), and I want A to be a big sister.
But I'm afraid. I am afraid of those moments when I feel like I've gone "'round the bend" as Alice would say (we've been watching the Tim Burton version daily, sometimes more than once). The things I've been through paralyze me with fear of having another--the stresses, the worries and sleeplessness, the anxiety and classic post-partum OCD thoughts...
Those things made me feel, and still do at times, like a failure of a mother.
But you know what? I am a good mom. I might even venture out there to say I'm a great mom. There are certainly things I'd do differently and areas I still want to work on presently, but I feel like someday, when Ayes is all grown up, she will look back and know I did the best I could for her. I hope that she will feel that it was not just enough, but it was just what she needed.
Still, that rational thinking doesn't make the irrational go away. The what ifs. The agony of both physical and mental anguish I went through following birth. The breastfeeding failure and guilt over (as cliche as it sounds) not being able to do the one thing a mother 'should' be able to do. The inability to get myself out of bed in the middle of the night and the guilt about the wonderful man next to me who would, without complaint, get up most nights, most every time.
And then of course are the other factors...time and money, neither of which we ever seem to have enough of. Surely if we all waited to have time and money, our species would die out.
I want another baby someday, but I'm afraid.
Truly. I so very much want to have another sweet little one, another pregnancy (for all its ups and downs), and I want A to be a big sister.
But I'm afraid. I am afraid of those moments when I feel like I've gone "'round the bend" as Alice would say (we've been watching the Tim Burton version daily, sometimes more than once). The things I've been through paralyze me with fear of having another--the stresses, the worries and sleeplessness, the anxiety and classic post-partum OCD thoughts...
Those things made me feel, and still do at times, like a failure of a mother.
But you know what? I am a good mom. I might even venture out there to say I'm a great mom. There are certainly things I'd do differently and areas I still want to work on presently, but I feel like someday, when Ayes is all grown up, she will look back and know I did the best I could for her. I hope that she will feel that it was not just enough, but it was just what she needed.
Still, that rational thinking doesn't make the irrational go away. The what ifs. The agony of both physical and mental anguish I went through following birth. The breastfeeding failure and guilt over (as cliche as it sounds) not being able to do the one thing a mother 'should' be able to do. The inability to get myself out of bed in the middle of the night and the guilt about the wonderful man next to me who would, without complaint, get up most nights, most every time.
And then of course are the other factors...time and money, neither of which we ever seem to have enough of. Surely if we all waited to have time and money, our species would die out.
I want another baby someday, but I'm afraid.
I know what you mean about being scared!! I want another baby so bad...but am so scared!
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. Im so scared that if I have another child he/she will have to go through everything that lucas went through & who knows, next time they might not be as healthy as lucas was. He was very strong for his gestational age & we got really lucky. But on the other hand, I want lucas to have that bond my brother & I share. We were best friends growing up & still are to this day. I think right now im happy that I have a beautiful, healthy child & if it happens it happens...
ReplyDeleteI had ppd with my first son. I talked to my doctor ALOT about my fears of it coming back. He assured me the second time would be different. And if I really was afraid, there was a safe medication I could take while pregnant that would assist in ppd coming back. I didn't need the medication, but once my second baby was born I was so happy all the time, even though she cried 100 times more then my son ever did. I was still smitten all the time!
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