Daycare.
On Monday, my sweet girl started "school" aka daycare. When we took her in there, she walked right in, started playing, and didn't notice when we left. However, when I called to check on her, she'd been crying on and off throughout the day. I ended up picking her up about 5 hours after we dropped her off since we weren't officially back at work. We mostly took her to help her (and us) transition a couple days before headed back to work officially on Wednesday (today). When I picked her up, she was napping. After finally opening her eyes, she started whimpering and hopped right into my arms. She told me she painted, but she also told me "See Daddy. See Boo. See Oskie." We talked about her day on the drive home. I asked her if she felt sad at school, and she said, "I kai...Mama." (I cry, Mama). Meaning she was crying for me. That broke my heart.
Tuesday's drop off was different for sure. She was very reluctant to go in, and she wanted us to hold her. However, we scooted out the door pretty quickly, and her awesome teacher Miss B was great to hold her and distract her by playing. Ayes nose got all red like she was going to cry, but she didn't. Of course, she cried a few times through the day. When we got there to pick her up (B came with), she came running full speed down the hall (where they were having indoor recess-type time) before we even said a word. She was smiling, but the good news is she looked to be having fun before she noticed us. She showed us her stickers and was very happy to go home and "See Boo, see Oskie" again.
Today's drop off was...horrible. Brandon does drop off duty, but with such a big change for my precious girl, I want to be there these first few days if I can. Today started off totally different because we had to be up earlier. She didn't eat breakfast, which she hasn't been this week since usually she plays/watches a movie, then eats. She drank her milk, probably a bit too fast judging from the spit up (really, 2 year olds can spit up!) and need for a change of outfit. When we got to school, we knew her teacher Miss B wouldn't be there yet since her shift starts later. Her safe person, the one person she's really seemed to connect with, wasn't there yet. Really. We went in and a teacher she/we didn't know wanted to take her from us. I wasn't comfortable with that. I know it is important to leave quickly, but I also want to make sure I hand her over to someone she's remotely familiar with. We tried to get her to color, then play with plastic food. She said, "Mama play?" I told her we had to go. Even when we first arrived, she was laying her head on me and holding me tight. It was heart wrenching when finally Miss M leaned in to ask Ayla about the owl on her shirt and in that instant took Ayes right out of my arms. I wanted to take her back and hug her. Of course, I know that Miss M knows what she's doing (she's one of the head honchos), but it didn't change the fact that Ayla was screaming and crying, reaching out for us as Miss M walked her over toward the window to watch us go bye-bye. My eyes filled with tears and Miss M said she'd be okay.
I heard her screaming and crying even after the door shut behind us. Literally. I could hear her through the window. It broke my heart. I don't know that I've ever experienced such pain. Logically I know she's in a good place, she's safe, she'll be okay, blah, blah, blah. But she is my baby. Baby. I felt like I totally let her down. I had that feeling that I've heard moms talk about-where you worry that your child feels as though you just abandoned them. It hurt my heart, it hurt my soul, and it hurt my face from the bawling I did in the parking lot. And more crying when I got to the parking lot of our welcome back breakfast. And more crying inside the bathroom and then the restaurant as several friends gave me the "sad face" and asked me what was wrong. Note: Don't make the sad face or ask me what's wrong when I've obviously been crying. I am totally incapable of stopping the water works from starting up again.
I know it will get better. After we left, she had a much better day than yesterday or Monday.
It just hurts. It hurts to hear your baby tell you, "Stay home Mama, Papa." It hurts to be unable to do the one thing your little one really wants you to do. She's going to love school and learn so much, but she also loves me and her Papa and would be glad to stay home watching movies and going on play dates and Gymboree outings if we could.
I worry that people think I'm weak when they keep telling me, "Oh, she'll be fine." I know that, and I know people mean well. Its just such a weak, vulnerable feeling, and I'm used to putting on a tough face.
I hope Ayla knows that I'd never leave her, that I always come back.
Tuesday's drop off was different for sure. She was very reluctant to go in, and she wanted us to hold her. However, we scooted out the door pretty quickly, and her awesome teacher Miss B was great to hold her and distract her by playing. Ayes nose got all red like she was going to cry, but she didn't. Of course, she cried a few times through the day. When we got there to pick her up (B came with), she came running full speed down the hall (where they were having indoor recess-type time) before we even said a word. She was smiling, but the good news is she looked to be having fun before she noticed us. She showed us her stickers and was very happy to go home and "See Boo, see Oskie" again.
Today's drop off was...horrible. Brandon does drop off duty, but with such a big change for my precious girl, I want to be there these first few days if I can. Today started off totally different because we had to be up earlier. She didn't eat breakfast, which she hasn't been this week since usually she plays/watches a movie, then eats. She drank her milk, probably a bit too fast judging from the spit up (really, 2 year olds can spit up!) and need for a change of outfit. When we got to school, we knew her teacher Miss B wouldn't be there yet since her shift starts later. Her safe person, the one person she's really seemed to connect with, wasn't there yet. Really. We went in and a teacher she/we didn't know wanted to take her from us. I wasn't comfortable with that. I know it is important to leave quickly, but I also want to make sure I hand her over to someone she's remotely familiar with. We tried to get her to color, then play with plastic food. She said, "Mama play?" I told her we had to go. Even when we first arrived, she was laying her head on me and holding me tight. It was heart wrenching when finally Miss M leaned in to ask Ayla about the owl on her shirt and in that instant took Ayes right out of my arms. I wanted to take her back and hug her. Of course, I know that Miss M knows what she's doing (she's one of the head honchos), but it didn't change the fact that Ayla was screaming and crying, reaching out for us as Miss M walked her over toward the window to watch us go bye-bye. My eyes filled with tears and Miss M said she'd be okay.
I heard her screaming and crying even after the door shut behind us. Literally. I could hear her through the window. It broke my heart. I don't know that I've ever experienced such pain. Logically I know she's in a good place, she's safe, she'll be okay, blah, blah, blah. But she is my baby. Baby. I felt like I totally let her down. I had that feeling that I've heard moms talk about-where you worry that your child feels as though you just abandoned them. It hurt my heart, it hurt my soul, and it hurt my face from the bawling I did in the parking lot. And more crying when I got to the parking lot of our welcome back breakfast. And more crying inside the bathroom and then the restaurant as several friends gave me the "sad face" and asked me what was wrong. Note: Don't make the sad face or ask me what's wrong when I've obviously been crying. I am totally incapable of stopping the water works from starting up again.
I know it will get better. After we left, she had a much better day than yesterday or Monday.
It just hurts. It hurts to hear your baby tell you, "Stay home Mama, Papa." It hurts to be unable to do the one thing your little one really wants you to do. She's going to love school and learn so much, but she also loves me and her Papa and would be glad to stay home watching movies and going on play dates and Gymboree outings if we could.
I worry that people think I'm weak when they keep telling me, "Oh, she'll be fine." I know that, and I know people mean well. Its just such a weak, vulnerable feeling, and I'm used to putting on a tough face.
I hope Ayla knows that I'd never leave her, that I always come back.
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