Mama Speaks

A couple nights ago, my daughter caused herself to puke since she was upset, well that was the straw on my back.  I cried my eyes out, and while my hormonal woman time is sure to be partially to blame, I know that that's not all. It is very hard sometimes to deal with those "mommy frustrations."   Sometimes for me, it is impossible. While I won't totally go into it, I will admit something. My "post-partum depression" is really more like post-partum OCD.  My life, at different periods since having bitty, have been filled with overwhelming thoughts of "what if I harmed her?"  Or if I go look in on her and check on her breathing, as I still always do every single day...well, sometimes my brain signals get mixed up.  My relief at her being okay gets mixed up with my worries, such as what if she stopped breathing, and the result is I feel relieved but am attributing it to whatever fear I had coming true.  Which is torturous.  It has made me feel ...

I want another baby someday, but I'm afraid. Truly.  I so very much want to have another sweet little one, another pregnancy (for all its ups and downs), and I want A to be a big sister. But I'm afraid.  I am afraid of those moments when I feel like I've gone "'round the bend" as Alice would say (we've been watching the Tim Burton version daily, sometimes more than once).  The things I've been through paralyze me with fear of having another--the stresses, the worries and sleeplessness, the anxiety and classic post-partum OCD thoughts... Those things made me feel, and still do at times, like a failure of a mother. But you know what?  I am a good mom.  I might even venture out there to say I'm a great mom.  There are certainly things I'd do differently and areas I still want to work on presently, but I feel like someday, when Ayes is all grown up, she will look back and know I did the best I could for her.  I hope that she will feel tha...

This week's Phenomenal Mom has asked to remain anonymous.  What I can tell you is that she is a wonderful mother, and I admire her courage and strength to speak out about Post-Partum Depression (PPD).  It is a very really illness, but many studies find that moms don't get help because of the stigma.  When I read her story, I got the chills because many of her words felt as though they were my own.  Thank you to this old friend of mine for bringing this into the light and giving hope and knowledge to so many.            When our first son was born, I was completely overjoyed. I had immediate overwhelming unconditional love for him. My husband (boyfriend at the time) and I knew right away, we wanted to have another child. We wanted our children to be close in age so they would play well together. After our son reached his first birthday, baby fever started to set in. We got pregnant for the second time when our old...

What other sensible non-sexy costume would a mom wear?  I could have been a sexy kitten or sexy witch or sexy pirate or sexy fill-in-the-blank, but I wasn't feeling it.  I have to say, the dirty laundry costume is one of my favorites so far. We were all set and psyched to go "party" with our friends after going to Eau Gallie Baptist's Fall Fest/Trunk or Treat. Ayla had fun, her costume was lauded greatly, and she was excited to see the scary costumes, but somehow terribly afraid of the Santa costume she encountered.  I passed out on our new couch while (exhuasted) Brandon finished his robot costume.  We headed out at midnight, and we managed to make it until 2:30.  It was really wonderful to see our friends who we love dearly.  Things are different now, though.  I had this conversation with a father friend of mine-about how being a parent changes a familiar scene.  For many of us, there is no simple transition between "parent" and the other part...