Guilt: just a "4-letter" emotion
Of all the horrific and terrifying tales I was told while pregnant, I was never told that as a mother, a feeling you are destined to experience on a frequent basis is GUILT. Now, I'm not saying that I don't recognize it being misplaced. Unfortunately, it doesn't make it any easier on me or any other mom.
Tonight, I felt guilty for growing frustrated with Ayla as she climbed to a stand on the couch over and over again, despite my telling her repeatedly, "Sit down." I tell her, "Look at mommy, what did I say?" She shakes her head, saying, "No no no. Sitting." After one of her many full-on, fall down screaming tantrums for the evening, my patience was done. Guilty.
If ever I should fail to read her a story when I put her to bed (though this is usually Brandon's specialty-reading the stories with excellent sound effects), I feel guilty.
When she gets chicken nuggets and frozen peas for lunch, I definitely feel guilty because I saw Food, Inc. and was shocked by the disgusting processes and secrets of our food industry.
At night time, she sometimes pees out of her diaper. Guilty. How did I not magically know that she peed at 3 am? Because I should have known; I should have changed her so she didn't get all cold and clammy.
The feelings of guilt started from the first day she was born. Trouble breastfeeding? Guilt. Remembering things I said in anger during a fight? Guilty. Guilty! Being too tired and in excruciating tailbone pain (that her big head cracked on the way out!) to wake up with her the 7 times she got up in the night? Double guilt-guilt for being a "bad" mom and a "bad" girlfriend.
Issues of guilt stem from other places throughout the course of motherhood, such as the guilt of being a neglectful friend. Suddenly the thoughtfulness I may have once had (or the attention span) to juggle and maintain my friendships--gone. Well, you know what comes next. That sinking feeling of guilt.
What is it about parenthood that takes so many parents to a place of such a feeling of worthlessness and failure? Are we hard-wired to feel that way so that we are able to protect and care for these precious babies we've been entrusted with? Do we learn it from our own parents, the media, or even society?
I don't know, but I can tell you this. When it comes down to it, I will still take the guilt if it means that I get to be Ayla's mom...if I get to be a mom to Ayla's sibling(s) someday.
You too? Guilty!
Tonight, I felt guilty for growing frustrated with Ayla as she climbed to a stand on the couch over and over again, despite my telling her repeatedly, "Sit down." I tell her, "Look at mommy, what did I say?" She shakes her head, saying, "No no no. Sitting." After one of her many full-on, fall down screaming tantrums for the evening, my patience was done. Guilty.
If ever I should fail to read her a story when I put her to bed (though this is usually Brandon's specialty-reading the stories with excellent sound effects), I feel guilty.
When she gets chicken nuggets and frozen peas for lunch, I definitely feel guilty because I saw Food, Inc. and was shocked by the disgusting processes and secrets of our food industry.
At night time, she sometimes pees out of her diaper. Guilty. How did I not magically know that she peed at 3 am? Because I should have known; I should have changed her so she didn't get all cold and clammy.
The feelings of guilt started from the first day she was born. Trouble breastfeeding? Guilt. Remembering things I said in anger during a fight? Guilty. Guilty! Being too tired and in excruciating tailbone pain (that her big head cracked on the way out!) to wake up with her the 7 times she got up in the night? Double guilt-guilt for being a "bad" mom and a "bad" girlfriend.
Issues of guilt stem from other places throughout the course of motherhood, such as the guilt of being a neglectful friend. Suddenly the thoughtfulness I may have once had (or the attention span) to juggle and maintain my friendships--gone. Well, you know what comes next. That sinking feeling of guilt.
What is it about parenthood that takes so many parents to a place of such a feeling of worthlessness and failure? Are we hard-wired to feel that way so that we are able to protect and care for these precious babies we've been entrusted with? Do we learn it from our own parents, the media, or even society?
I don't know, but I can tell you this. When it comes down to it, I will still take the guilt if it means that I get to be Ayla's mom...if I get to be a mom to Ayla's sibling(s) someday.
You too? Guilty!
I can totally empathize with some of those feelings of guilt definitely! (Totally off subject) One big thing that changed after becoming a mom is that I lost 2 of my really close friends. I sort of lost them before I had Johanna. I dont feel guilty about that mainly because I didnt really understand what happened and why they never wanted to come see me or see the baby. One, I still hear from every once in a blue moon, but the other stopped talking to be after my baby shower and I havent heard from her since. Not even to say congrats on Johanna or anything. I sort of washed my hands of it, but til this day it really bothers me because I didnt do anything (not intentionally anyway) But I have gained some really GREAT friends in the last few months... (wink)
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