November 23, 2007

Note from the author: I wrote this blog a little over 3 years ago, and I felt like sharing it...what a great thing to be able to look back upon. 
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Ever since I was a very little girl, not even older than 3 or 4, I have had a strong gut belief that 23 would be a pivotal point in life.  I could never place my thumb on how or why I would feel that way, yet the feeling only grew stronger as I aged.  Shortly after my 23rd birthday, better known as the Wilson Wedding or "21 again, again," I reflected upon and doubted this instinct that I've always had.
Nothing seemed too terribly thrilling as I ushered in the new year and new age.  Coffee slinging and interning were what my existence was measured by for the first 4 months of 2007.  Certainly, those experiences shaped me and affected me, and I will carry those with me always as they were far more significant than I could've realized at the time, though I was aware that they weren't without purpose. 
Graduation came on May 5th, and I figured, "Ah ha!  Of course!  Graduation is a life-changing experience; surely this is what that instinct has been all about?"  Graduation was wonderful, despite the natural ability I have to turn any celebratory event in my own life into a bit of a stressor.  I cannot imagine a better day than the one I had with the ones I love and had worked hard alongside for the last two years.  Completion is not what I expected it to be.  In ways, it was rather anti-climactic.  But it was important.
Around the same time I graduated, a (then) dear friend of mine invited me to come teach with her in Guatemala.  In that moment, I hardly considered it a possibility, but somehow all the pieces fell into place for the trip to be a reality.  Obstacles were certainly there, especially in regards to obtaining my passport in this "crisis" time of production. 
Shortly before my trip to Guatemala, I made a pilgrimage of sorts to my hometown.  Admittedly, this trip caused me far more anxiety than my first international trip.  Home of my childhood, many years of joy and suffering, and lots of unfinished feelings and business made me nauseous for at least a week prior to my trip.  Yet, it went beautifully.  There was not a single problem to be had.  I accomplished everything I'd hope for...and more.  The connections I was afraid would vanish upon my leaving and with my absence were still there.  That kind of love is enduring, deeply satisfying, even if not visited on a day-to-day basis.  My belief is that all those years and bonds built were to strengthen me, to give my soul the nourishment it would need to become the woman I am.  Family, food, friends, and finality were the whirlwind of a week I had in Des Moines.
Guatemala was tremendous, shaping, and telling of both myself and the relationships in my life.  Expressing what that trip meant to me is something my words have yet to accomplish.
I also faced relationship changes during the spring and summer of my 23.   My dear friend moved away, breaking a bit of my heart off, only to return later to the place that truly is home.  Realizing how deeply I love my friends and how terrible I am at goodbyes was an important part of my year, a grand reflection of many "leavings" I experienced in the two years prior to. 
My faith was tested and broken and challenged and tested in the weeks upon my return home, with a degree and no career in sight.  In the end, after much prayer and anxiousness, I believe that I ended up exactly where I was meant to be.  My first year teaching has exhausted and drained me in ways I didn't think existed; I am challenged daily to show patience and tough love and composure, even when I completely disagree with certain aspects of my professional field.  There is no doubt that I am settled on what I won't be doing for my master's, which is something I'd hoped to discover in this break from higher education (one taken with great reluctance).
So, as the year progressed, there were more and more evidences that 23 is indeed, a pivotal point in my life.  And I'm not even finished.
In early October, Justin and Katie invited me out to play, something I hadn't done since beginning my career.  We decided to meander around during Friday Fest, taking a moment away from the usual Sun Shoppe hanging.  Not the usual for us, to say the least.  After collecting condoms from the "condom fairies," we decided to head back to the shoppe.  But first, I exchanged glances with a familiar face, though one I'd only seen once in person before, over a year ago.  There was a hesistation, but we exchanged hellos and I was the lucky recipient of two beer tickets, which I passed on to some random person as I exited Friday Fest.  Still, the gesture was nice, and I was pleased to be recognized and greeted with a "You look great!"
A few messages later, I found myself sitting side-by-side with Brandon, eating burritos and truly enjoying the many detours of our conversations.  A movie.  A beer.  An invitation to Oktoberfest that weekend.  My supportive best friend and her boyfriend accompanied me, full well knowing that I've been so out of the dating loop I'd back out, just as I'd almost done right before our first "hang" session.  Several Tuesdays (and Saturdays), dinners, drinks, and kisses later, here I find myself.  I am so in love, it terrifies me and lights me up at the same time.  The fact that I am joined in love by such a wonderful man makes me feel alive in ways I haven't felt before.  He is nothing I expected and absolutely everything I've ever hoped for.  The future is nerve-wracking, exciting, but most of all promising.  I couldn't ask for more.
Because here I am.  23.  Blessed by a God that not only loves me, but a God that tells me I am "honored in His sight."  My family is my foundation, my tireless cheerleader.  My true friends are patient and encouraging, and they never leave my side, especially not when the times are toughest.  I have a career that breaks me, but that also uses the gifts I've been given...and my classroom neighbors are a safe place to break down and cry (sob) or laugh (hysterically).  I have a boyfriend who feels like the home I've longed for, and I do not doubt him when he says I am what he wants and needs.  He proves it to me day in and day out. 
I am thankful that God has made me privy to the reasons why I always believed that 23 would be so significant.  Moreover, I am grateful that I have been given the chance to experience this year with more inner peace and less physical suffering than any other year I've lived in the last 11 years.  Yet, I still experience enough suffering to keep me humble and connect me to the sufferings of my savior.  I never got that.  It took me over 10 years, but I am no longer angry.  I get it.  I don't like it...but I get it.
Twenty-three is only the beginning.  Thank you.