Things we don't talk about: religion.
Ayla Marley has started showing me how she folds her hands so sweetly and says "amen." Her Aunt Danni (who watches her) says a blessing over the food before the kiddos eat. It is so sweet, so precious, so wonderful to see her do that.
I feel like I let her down. Isn't a mother supposed to teach her daughter how to pray?
Religion. Faith. God.
I grew up talking about God and having faith. I went through changes and doubts in my faith, especially when I got sick. I studied different religions in college. My own faith/religion/etc. has changed so much over the years. At times, I've been very conservative and close-minded to very liberal and reckless. The pendulum has swung both ways-to each extreme and in the middle at times.
Now, I'm not sure what I can say about my faith. I believe in God, and I believe Jesus is our savior. However, I have so many questions. I find myself having a lot of problems with religion.
During the time period when I was regularly attending a local church (that shall remain nameless), much of the preaching and teaching was very anti-gay, anti-abortion, anti-flawed humans. Rather than being filled with love and excitement, I was thinking and behaving in such a judgmental manner. So often, we hear that we are not meant to judge others, yet here it was happening in front of my eyes. I suppose this kind of thinking and believing is considered "righteous judgment" or "by the book," but I do not believe that God wants me to judge the lives of others. I do not feel that gay people are living with their backs turned to God and constantly indulging in sin that is worse than most adults who indulge in premarital sex. I do not feel that someone who has an abortion is a murderer who should be shamed. It hurt me so much to be a part of all of that, so I had to walk away. It was literally poisoning my spirit. It was hurting me more than it was helping me.
Then comes the issue of being "equally yolked" in a relationship. Brandon and I do not share the same viewpoints, but we both have faith of our own and have journeyed through this faith throughout our lives. Does the fact that we have different perspectives mean that we aren't meant to be together? That we are somehow doomed to fail? I've worried because, again, in the back of my mind there is the voice of Pastor Judgey and every other religious leader like him/her in the back of my mind. Brandon said to me that it is just like people that think that because he's black [mixed] and I'm white we are doomed to fail-that we are too different. Do people have to be at the same point on the same path in two very different spiritual journeys to have a happy marriage?
We have no conflict in how we plan to raise Ayla. We respect each others' wishes and have common goals for how we want her to grow up. I think the biggest disagreement we've had about her is when we should get her ears pierced (I'm ready, but her daddy says she's 'perfect the way she is').
I know there is something missing right now. I think that it is comfort in living my life and believing in the way my heart says, rather than the way I'm being told to. That feeling is horrible, and it has distanced me from God at times. Every church I've been to has had very nice people, but the facades and people portraying a perfect unbroken life do not strengthen me. I think that people being honest in their struggles and brokenness helps people grow more so than an image of perfect that we are far from. I can't be a part of something where I feel like being anything other than the genuine me is desired. I do the best I can. I love people, but I also hurt the people I love. I make lose my temper; I flip people off when I'm driving and they act like a jackass. I need me, who I am right now and who I want to be, along with the people I love (whether they are gay, have had abortions, or are lost on their own journeys) to be accepted and welcomed. Because me, who I am, and the people I love, who they are-God loves us no matter what people decide God feels for us.
I feel like I let her down. Isn't a mother supposed to teach her daughter how to pray?
Religion. Faith. God.
I grew up talking about God and having faith. I went through changes and doubts in my faith, especially when I got sick. I studied different religions in college. My own faith/religion/etc. has changed so much over the years. At times, I've been very conservative and close-minded to very liberal and reckless. The pendulum has swung both ways-to each extreme and in the middle at times.
Now, I'm not sure what I can say about my faith. I believe in God, and I believe Jesus is our savior. However, I have so many questions. I find myself having a lot of problems with religion.
During the time period when I was regularly attending a local church (that shall remain nameless), much of the preaching and teaching was very anti-gay, anti-abortion, anti-flawed humans. Rather than being filled with love and excitement, I was thinking and behaving in such a judgmental manner. So often, we hear that we are not meant to judge others, yet here it was happening in front of my eyes. I suppose this kind of thinking and believing is considered "righteous judgment" or "by the book," but I do not believe that God wants me to judge the lives of others. I do not feel that gay people are living with their backs turned to God and constantly indulging in sin that is worse than most adults who indulge in premarital sex. I do not feel that someone who has an abortion is a murderer who should be shamed. It hurt me so much to be a part of all of that, so I had to walk away. It was literally poisoning my spirit. It was hurting me more than it was helping me.
Then comes the issue of being "equally yolked" in a relationship. Brandon and I do not share the same viewpoints, but we both have faith of our own and have journeyed through this faith throughout our lives. Does the fact that we have different perspectives mean that we aren't meant to be together? That we are somehow doomed to fail? I've worried because, again, in the back of my mind there is the voice of Pastor Judgey and every other religious leader like him/her in the back of my mind. Brandon said to me that it is just like people that think that because he's black [mixed] and I'm white we are doomed to fail-that we are too different. Do people have to be at the same point on the same path in two very different spiritual journeys to have a happy marriage?
We have no conflict in how we plan to raise Ayla. We respect each others' wishes and have common goals for how we want her to grow up. I think the biggest disagreement we've had about her is when we should get her ears pierced (I'm ready, but her daddy says she's 'perfect the way she is').
I know there is something missing right now. I think that it is comfort in living my life and believing in the way my heart says, rather than the way I'm being told to. That feeling is horrible, and it has distanced me from God at times. Every church I've been to has had very nice people, but the facades and people portraying a perfect unbroken life do not strengthen me. I think that people being honest in their struggles and brokenness helps people grow more so than an image of perfect that we are far from. I can't be a part of something where I feel like being anything other than the genuine me is desired. I do the best I can. I love people, but I also hurt the people I love. I make lose my temper; I flip people off when I'm driving and they act like a jackass. I need me, who I am right now and who I want to be, along with the people I love (whether they are gay, have had abortions, or are lost on their own journeys) to be accepted and welcomed. Because me, who I am, and the people I love, who they are-God loves us no matter what people decide God feels for us.
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