Birth: I want a say...

Giving birth in a hospital isn't the experience many women, including myself, hoped it would be.  Many envision a different experience, based on the Mama's lovely tour prior to giving birth in said hospital.  Many of us walk away...disappointed.  Disenchanted.  Powerless.

In November, my sister-in-law Jessica gave birth at home (HBAC-home birth after Cesarean)  to my beautiful new little niece E.  Jess had a less than great experience with the premature birth of her second child, my sweet nephew, W when he was born via c-section.  And of course I have to mention wonderful little N, my very first niece (no nephews before W too) who was born shortly after we moved to this beautiful sunny part of the country.  Back to Jess.  She worked closely with a midwife who monitored her nutrition and exercise closely so she wouldn't have baby #3 prematurely like she did with #2.  Jess didn't gain more than 25 lbs (if I'm not mistaken), and she was in her sister's wedding just days after E was born.  She looks better than she ever has (but that's not the point).  The point is this:  she had the birth experience she desired.  In fact, E was only born a couple weeks before she was due (which happens all the time with the number of scheduled births in this country).


I saw a funny bumper sticker on zazzle recently.  It read, "Top 5 ways to avoid a c-section. Stay. Away. From. The. Hospital."


At this point, I haven't fully delved into the world of birth, but when I feel brave enough I want to finish watching 1. The Business of Being Born and 2. Pregnant in America.  (Both stream on Netflix for interested parties).  


Here's what I can tell you: I felt so out of control of my own birth experience, and I wish and dream for a different kind of birth (that I'll probably never have, sadly).


My pregnancy is considered high risk.  My RSD is a neuro-muscular chronic pain disease, which can be exacerbated by childbirth.  Chronic pain.  The amount of suffering involved in most RSD patients lives is beyond words.  In my own life, I could say the same.  It has taken so much from me, and it could've taken so much more.  My birth experience will probably be one of the moments in life I don't get to decide much about because of it.  


The wonderful thing about pregnancy is that many RSD patients experience less pain during those months of pregnancy than normal (however we still experience more pain than the 'typical' pregnant woman).  But childbirth is tricky.  C-section?  No way.  If I were to have a c-section, it would probably cause me a severe relapse in my RSD.  Am I in remission?  No.  But I'm probably as close as I'll ever get.  I can't imagine how my family would suffer if I were to ever have a C because I would probably never be able to function the way I do now.  I know what it is like to be bed-ridden and suicidal-never again.  But having a natural, unmedicated birth is also not in the cards for me.  Having the experience of a typical birth and all the pain it can involve (even with other pain management techniques as a possibility) could also cause my RSD to go berserk.   From what I know and have learned over the years is that having the most pain-free birth possible is what is in the best interest of my health.


Sadly, this means an epidural.  I've had countless hundreds and thousands of nerve injections in my face, neck, and spine.  I've had epidurals in my neck, mid-spine, and even ones in the pregnancy typical epidural area, so I am not afraid-I knew exactly what to expect before I got mine on "birth day."  With an epidural comes pitocin, a cath, and many other "fun" interventions.


It isn't what I want, but I want to be able to be a mom to Ayla and any children I might be blessed with someday.


I don't like to think about how I don't get to plan how I want my birth to go.  I know things don't always go according to plan, but imagine going to a restaurant and having only one thing to pick from the menu.  Doesn't feel like much of a "choice" does it?


My perfect birth scenario would involve a home birth...a midwife working with a skilled ob-gyn, and of course the loving support of my friends and family present just as they were last time.  A home birth with an epidural.  A chance to not be rushed and pushed and pressured through what should be such an awesome, joyous day.


Nothing will take away the joy I have from the day Ayla was born, but the hours prior to her birth and what I experienced is not my favorite tale to tell.


With all the advances in medicine we have and the desire and demand many women have for a birth experience outside of the "norm" that we are pushed to have (only be in labor so-and-so many hours, push for only so many minutes, etc) in the big business of hospital birth in America, you would think there would be another option for mothers with high risk pregnancies. 


I just wish there was a way for me to have my say.  Someone let me know if you find out the magical answer.  I'll make you brownies.