Friendship?

I lay in bed last night, unable to sleep due to fact that my pooch, Boo, was hogging all the bedspace between B & I.  I thought about getting out of bed to come write this blog that came to mind in those sleepless moments, but I decided to finally nudge Boo so I could get some zzz's.

I hope that Ayla has a difference experience of "friendship" than I did for most of my  childhood and teenage years.  Its not that I didn't have any friends or that my friends were bad, it's just that the number of negative and traumatic experiences I had far outweigh the good.

When I was in elementary school, I was tormented and teased about everything from my red hair and fair skin to my "nerdiness."  I am not sure how or why I was such an easy target.  I was a really sweet, nice girl who would play with anyone and help anyone, but it just made me a target for hate-filled attacks.  By 5th grade, I was the favorite target for a classmate, who did everything from prank call me to have a group of older Asian kids threaten to beat me up.  I did nothing to this girl, nothing to those other kids.

This carried on through middle and high school.  I guess I just wasn't rich enough or pretty enough or whatever enough that it took to be accepted.  I was constantly changing myself to try to be who I thought I was supposed to be to just be liked.  Or even to just be left alone.  I got sick when I was 12, and that of course led to more alienation due to the fact I wasn't able to be at school regularly.  Some friendships I had were solely based on what that person could get from me.  Others were just a way to turn around and share my private thoughts and feelings with others, for their own personal gain.  

Does anyone deserve that?

Almost every friend I had growing up turned their back on me at some point.  It didn't matter if I partied and did all the things I thought I had to to fit in, I just wasn't going to be accepted.  

I've been mocked, lied and gossiped about, stalked, spit on-literally, and degraded in a way that no person deserves to be degraded.


The way I was treated by people made me hate myself.  Made me feel like I was never going to be good enough.  That the only people who could love me would be my family...

No one deserves that.


When I moved to Florida, things changed.  I had a few friends that of course still pushed me around and made me feel pretty worthless, but for the most part I made friends that liked me and "got" me.  I don't think my past will ever leave me though; I think the problems that it created for me will haunt me from time to time.

I am thankful for the family of friends that I have now, and I'm thankful for my family that have always been my friend, even when I had none for no good reason.


For my daughter, I hope that she never feels she has to change herself for a friend.  I hope that she never feels like she has to compete in her friendships.  I hope that she finds people that love and care about her the way she is because no matter what the world tells her, she is perfect the way she is.  Of course, I hope her friendships will be genuine and rich and safe.  I hope that they encourage her and challenge her.  I hope she doesn't have to feel the stab of betrayal or the self-loathing that comes with years of being beaten down and belittled by bullies.  I hope she can rise above the mean-spirited ones who try to bring her down or have her join in with them. 


I hope she finds a friend that will stand by her and she will stand by, no matter what.
I hope that she finds people who "get" her and love her for her unique qualities and traits.


I hope she never feels alone.  I hope she knows that we're always on her side.