Cry It Out makes me Cry

"Get that baby on a schedule."  
"Don't hold the baby too much, they will depend on it for comfort."
"They have to learn to soothe themselves."
"Just put the baby on her tummy, she'll sleep better."
"Rice cereal at night will fill her belly so she won't wake up."
"Cut out those night feedings or they'll just wake you up to nurse [for fun, not nourishment]."

Baby sleep solutions.  Everybody has one, and I don't agree with any of the above.  So, if that's not going to work for you, you might as well stop reading here.

I had someone I know and respect suggest to me Babywise.  Used by over 1 million parents worldwide.  That must mean it is developmentally appropriate, right?  Written by M.D.'s.  Must be reliable information, right?  (Right...because all doctors are to be trusted).  

NO.

Babywise is based on a strict feeding schedule. An example would be: 6 am, 9am, noon, 3pm, 6pm, 9pm, midnight.  First of all, many breastfed babies need night nursings for as long as the first year, some even longer. Breast milk is metabolized faster than formula, so BF babies are hungrier more often.

If you get thirsty, do you make yourself wait until 3 hours since your last drink?  When you're hungry, do you get a snack or do you make yourself wait until the next scheduled time? (Unless you're dieting, then all bets are off).

Most babies sleep through the night (STTN) at 6 weeks or 9 weeks or 12 weeks (or months) right?

NO.  A study found that the difference of sleep patterns and wakefulness in babies doesn't differ that much from 3 months to 12 months.  Wakefulness was reported as, "46% at 3 months, 39%, 58% and 55% respectively at 6, 9 and 12 months."  So you baby may actually sleep better at 6 months than 9 or 12 months!

Does every baby follow this?  No.  So how do we expect our babies to eat, drink, and sleep at our whim and desire? 

"What is best for the child is not always what is most convenient for the parent." ~ Bonnie Bedford

When we decide to take the journey to parenthood (or when the journey chooses us), what do we envision and desire?  What are our motivations for having a baby?  I don't think many of us have the priority of a baby that adheres to a strict schedule.  We want healthy, thriving children.  We may desire a boy or a girl, mom's eyes or papa's nose, and we may hope that they inherit certain personality traits.  But how many times have you heard a mom or dad say, "I just want them to be healthy."

In my opinion (and many professional opinions as well), cry it out (CIO) methods are not only not healthy, but they are damaging.

Becky Bailey, a leading expert known for her incredible Conscious Discipline method, speaks about the damaging brain effects CIO can have on children in this youtube video.  Compassionate Motherhood has the most AMAZING compilation of anti-CIO resources on the web.  There are many alternatives, such as safe co-sleeping, which Dr. Sears explains in depth.  Dr. Sears is also a proponent of attachment parenting (AP), which many "old school" and "Babywise" parents would view as spoiling a child.

I just wonder: how is comforting, nurturing, and nourishing your child on demand (which is when they let you know they need something) spoiling a child??  AP is responsive parenting.  It means that if I want to do laundry or take a nap but my child needs me, I am going to respond to my child because let's face it, the laundry will be there later, but my ability to nurture and care for my child first above myself and my chores is a much greater priority.  Will I regret later in life the fact that my house was sometimes (always) messy or that my laundry sometimes piled up?  Or will I regret the fact that I let my precious baby cry and cry and cry her little self to sleep while I attended to said laundry and household mess?

Now, there's nothing wrong with putting your baby down when you are too frustrated to calmly care for him/her.  There's nothing wrong with handing baby to dad and walking away or dad handing baby over to you.  The opposite is true-you are taking care of yourself while you ensure the care for your baby.  Single parent families may have no other choice but to leave the child to cry while mom/dad gets some rest or calms down.  In a perfect world, single parents would have an amazing support system that would allow them to be a great parent but still tend to their other obligations and duties.  It isn't a perfect world.

I digress.

The point is, no matter what any study says, CIO methods didn't feel right to me.  They made my stomach turn.  I can think of once or twice I allowed Ayla to cry and cry, thinking maybe everyone else was right.  Maybe I was helping her learn to soothe herself. (As humans, do we not rely on the love and affection and support of others in our times of need??)

My gut told me it was wrong.  My gut told me it was helping no one but myself.  Except it wasn't even helping me.  It was pure agony and torture, and I consider myself a stronger parent (not the 'weak' type pro-CIO parents might peg me as) for responding to the needs of my daughter of my own wants (nap) and needs (household duties).   Because at the end of the day, she is the motivation behind my words and my actions.  She is the first thing I think about when I make ANY decision.  

I know of some parents justify their decision-making, saying that they are raising a child up with discipline, just as God intends.  (This is not limited to sleep training but also the misinterpretation of "spare the rod, spoil the child" which parents use to their own liking...when in fact the Bible doesn't say that anywhere and is not intended to mean we should all smack and spank our child when he/she doesn't listen but that isn't what this blog is about).

I leave you with this article that Dr. Sears wrote.  The main thing I took away from it is, what do we expect when we cry out (to God or to people)?  Do we expect to be heard and responded to?

I do.