Mama Speaks

I used to believe that I was a really great friend.  Sometimes I still believe that.   On the flip side, I also know I can talk too much and be too opinionated.  I make a conscious effort to listen more, but I don't think my opinionated-ness is going anywhere. Many times, I have made an effort to go above and beyond for my friends.  I really would do anything for my friends.  No doubt, there have been times when I have been all-consumed with  my own life-work, toddler, etc, etc-to be a truly good friend.  I have my many regrets. No matter what, I truly appreciate my friends.  I appreciate the friends (and family of course) that went out of their way to come to our wedding.  The friends and family who didn't utter a word about our catering disaster (who I will recommend that you NEVER hire for anything) at our wedding.  Everyone braved the storm, hugged and kissed us, and supported and complimented the one wedding day we got, ...

A couple nights ago, my daughter caused herself to puke since she was upset, well that was the straw on my back.  I cried my eyes out, and while my hormonal woman time is sure to be partially to blame, I know that that's not all. It is very hard sometimes to deal with those "mommy frustrations."   Sometimes for me, it is impossible. While I won't totally go into it, I will admit something. My "post-partum depression" is really more like post-partum OCD.  My life, at different periods since having bitty, have been filled with overwhelming thoughts of "what if I harmed her?"  Or if I go look in on her and check on her breathing, as I still always do every single day...well, sometimes my brain signals get mixed up.  My relief at her being okay gets mixed up with my worries, such as what if she stopped breathing, and the result is I feel relieved but am attributing it to whatever fear I had coming true.  Which is torturous.  It has made me feel ...

I cannot put into words how much the documentary Food Matters changed my thinking.  To think that we can truly heal ourselves, not just from the common cold but from CANCER, with high dose vitamins and true quality nutrition...it blows me away. I want to start treating my depression and anxiety with nutrition and high dose vitamins. I want to start treating my migraines and my chronic pain from RSD with nutrition and high dose vitamins. How often do we see someone lose weight and ask them their secret?  "A lifestyle change," they say. I would LOVE to see the day-to-day diet of these folks.  Are they eating a diet with 51 percent of each meal consisting of raw foods?  Are they drinking enough water?  Are they eating local fruits and vegetables?  Are they eating super foods?   I don't say this to question folks lifestyle changes.  Some friends of mine have truly changed their diets and lifestyle. But having been there myself, I also know th...

So much for 30 consecutive days of blogging.  I took a couple days to celebrate hub's birthday, but I'm back.  In my defense, I've blogged more this month than in the last few months combined. Yesterday, we watched a presentation by a charitable organization that we are required to watch each year.  I'm not sure how it is even allowable to require us to watch such a presentation, but I show up every year and sit through it. Every year, I get angrier and more bitter.  Neither of which I enjoy feeling. Don't get me wrong-I am actually a quite charitable person and donate or give of myself as much (or even more) than I can.  At one point, I was able to donate a sizable amount of money (for me) to a dear friend Jessica's wonderful non-profit called Beyond Measure Arts , which is an amazing, incredible, and worthy cause. I did it because I believe in the cause and because I believe in her mission.  I've done a number of other things, and I am proud to say...

In honor of our one month wedding anniversary, we are going to enjoy a banana dream cake (the kind we got for our wedding-our all time favorite long before the wedding), and tomorrow we get to celebrate Brandon's 28th year of life! For today's blog, I share with you a poem that was chosen by Brandon and I and read at our wedding by my future sister-in-law. Love by Roy Croft I love you Not only for what you are, But for what I am When I am with you. I love you, Not only for what You have made of yourself, But for what You are making of me. I love you For the part of me That you bring out; I love you For putting your hand Into my heaped-up heart And passing over All the foolish, weak things That you can't help Dimly seeing there, And for drawing out Into the light All the beautiful belongings That no one else had looked Quite far enough to find I love you because you Are helping me to make Of the lumber of my life Not a tavern But a temple. ...

Today I have been thinking about food...and water.  Not only is our theme in Reading this week Foods Around the World, but we are now two-thirds done with watching Food Matters .  (What can I say?  It takes us awhile with our busy schedules). Did you know...(all info from the documentary Food Matters-available on Netflix streaming) If you start a totally organic diet tomorrow, you actually will get sick?  Your body has to rid its tissue of toxins before it can start taking in the great nutrients an organic diet offers. Most toxins are released through your bowels.  This is a good thing considering how nasty the toxins our bodies take in are.  Better to poop them out then sweat them out all over our skin to be reabsorbed. Two handfuls of cashews contain a therapeutic amount of niacin, which can help reverse depression? 100,000+ people die in the U.S. each year from prescription medicine that has been prescribed to them and used exactly as directe...

Many times before, I've written about this empty feeling I have.  This lack of a sense of purpose.  Not that the things I do in life aren't fulfilling a purpose, but rather there is a purpose I am meant to fulfill that I am not. While my family was in town for our wedding, I discussed this very issue.  My uncle, a doctor, and my aunt, a life insurance agent (get some, folks...its so important!) both seem to really enjoy their jobs and they've known me my entire life, so I let them weigh in.  The advice and discussion went to different areas, ranging from specifics, such as marketing and motivational speaker-to generals, such as apply for every job you see.  Others I've discussed it with have asked me thought provoking questions such as, "What do you really love to do?" and "If you could do anything, what would it be?" I don't have the answers, but I do have a list of things I do really well.   I have a way with words.  I can edit any paper ...

Tonight I went to see the Goo Goo Dolls in concert.  Wow.  What a great experience!  Not only were they amazing, but their opening act, Ryan Star, was awesome as well.  He gave me chills, the kind where you feel it not only on your arms and legs, but on your cheeks and scalp even. One of the highlights of the GGD concert was when they played "Name."  Before they started, Johnny asked a young person in the audience how old he/she was.  Fourteen.  He went on to remark that when he wrote the song the young person was only a gleam in his/her parents eyes.  Funny!  He talked about how old that made him, then said it was hard to believe the song was 15 years old.  Wait a second.  I remember vividly when their first hit, "Name," came out.  I was 12.  My life was turned upside down by illness, but I had music.  A Boy Named Goo was one of the albums I got back during that era.  Yes, I bought it just for that song....

I want to thank You, God, For life and all that’s in it. Thank You for the day And for the hour and for the minute. I know many are gone; I’m still living on. I want to thank You. -Maya Angelou I had a great night with my sweet husband and now I'm going to go snuggle next to him.  Tomorrow, I will wake to my sweet daughter and crazy dogs and the man I love next to me.  I am thankful for today.

The prompts to write about writing are boring me, so...I'm not doing it. Hmm, what to write about?  Well, how about my busy week this week... This week, I had a ton on my plate.  2 days of tutoring, 1 long night of conferences, followed by 1 long day of work with our school award ceremony and a faculty meeting.  A co-worker and I presented to the faculty information we learned about asking quality questions during reading (and across curriculum).  I must admit I was weary of presenting because the last time I did I was 8 months pregnant and got very hot and breathless.  Even though I'm comfortable in front of large groups (the larger the better), I still get a little bit of the jitters.  Those who know me, know I am a fast talker, but fast talking plus pregnancy equal a winded mama.  I was afraid that maybe it would happen again, that maybe it wasn't just a "pregnancy thing." It was just a pregnancy thing.  Yay!  I feel that overall th...

"If you knew that whatever you ate next would be your last meal, what would you want it to be?" Food.  I love food.  How hard is it to pick just one last meal?  I need a whole day of eating to get through my many favorites. I'd have to have bacon.  Real bacon, not turkey bacon.  Crispy.  Yum. Spaghetti and meatballs with garlic toast and a tall glass of 1% milk. Croissants with melted cheese and mashed potatoes. Chips and homemade guacamole with a frosty margarita (or 3, after all I'm dying right) alongside. Indian butter chicken with lots of naan and rice. Sushi rolls and edamame and miso soup. Banana dream cake. Some frozen yogurt from Redberry. Reese's peanut butter cups and their peanut butter Easter eggs (hey, if its my last meal, might as well go out with a bang!) Is there any way I could possibly eat this all in one meal?  See, I need a day!

So I decided that I am going to participate in NaBloPoMo (http://www.blogher.com/blogher-topics/blogging-social-media/nablopomo) after seeing The Feminist Breeder mention it on her Facebook. Today's prompt asks to write about why you love to write. I love to write, and I always have.  In my early teen years, I wrote angsty poetry with a group of my friends.  I journaled.  I wrote unsent letters.  In my later teen years, I discovered blogging.  I blogged in diary format for years.  Two years into my blogging, the server I'd been using (UJournal) crashed and lost everything.  Even though I was devastated, I moved on and picked up with another blog.  When I went to Guatemala to teach English for a month after graduating college, I blogged about my adventures there.  Back in the day of Myspace, I did blogged using their feature.   Then, I stopped.   About one year ago, I decided to jokingly start a blog, hoping to b...

How does your garden grow? In the last few months, I have hardly written.  It isn't that I don't have ideas floating around in my mind, its just that I don't know how to say what I want to say.   About a month ago, I had a falling out with a friend of mine.  We were friends for 5-6 years.  I sent her a message, as I had before.  In this particular message, I mentioned something I noticed about the shoulder straps on her daughter's car seat.  I explained that I had to adjust A's when I read about shoulder strap placement for rear-facing (at or BELOW the shoulder) versus forward facing (at or ABOVE the shoulder...so many rules).  This 'friend' proceeded to tell me how annoying I was, among various other remarks.  I was hurt, and I was offended.  I had to step back and evaluate: did I say something to be right or to be helpful?  At the end of the day, I removed this friend from my Facebook because I know my intentions.  I meant we...

Life has been more than hectic to say the least.  With our wedding just 13 days from now, our time has been consumed with having final meetings with our vendors, finishing the last details of our ceremony and reception, and all those other wonderful wedding moments.  Not to mention, we're both extremely busy with our full time jobs and the joys of parenting, home ownership, and caring for our pets. I've considered deleting this blog or being done with it altogether-but not because I don't like blogging or don't value this blog anymore.  I've felt pretty uninspired when it comes to writing, and if inspiration does come, I am too tired or busy to do anything about it. Some things that have been on my mind: 1. Recently, I had a friendship end over something I said to my friend about car seat straps.  It really upset me to lose a friendship over something like this.  The thing is, when I thought about it, I concluded that my intentions were good, something I ...

Ten Things That Have Been On My Mind (how's that for a title/intro?) In no special order... 10. Lack of money, the fact that I haven't had a raise my entire career (pay freeze), debt, and eating lots of sunbutter & jelly sandwiches until payday. 9. The end of a friendship/friends understanding the intention and heart behind what we say and do 8. How to make fixing A's hair easier on her (and me) 7. Waking up with a daily migraine and prescription medication that is as effective as popping tic-tacs 6. Wedding vows 5. "Spring" cleaning the house 4. How thankful I am for the wonderfully supportive, kind, and intuitive friends and family I have 3. Writer's block aka why I haven't blogged in...ages. 2. Purpose 1. Did I mention the wedding?  25 days. I'm back?

I want another baby someday, but I'm afraid. Truly.  I so very much want to have another sweet little one, another pregnancy (for all its ups and downs), and I want A to be a big sister. But I'm afraid.  I am afraid of those moments when I feel like I've gone "'round the bend" as Alice would say (we've been watching the Tim Burton version daily, sometimes more than once).  The things I've been through paralyze me with fear of having another--the stresses, the worries and sleeplessness, the anxiety and classic post-partum OCD thoughts... Those things made me feel, and still do at times, like a failure of a mother. But you know what?  I am a good mom.  I might even venture out there to say I'm a great mom.  There are certainly things I'd do differently and areas I still want to work on presently, but I feel like someday, when Ayes is all grown up, she will look back and know I did the best I could for her.  I hope that she will feel tha...

I promise you, I will protect you. I will not let you down. Things will be better. I won't give up on that. Just five more days. Tomorrow, please bring me an answer. Love, Mama

This week's Phenomenal Mom has asked to remain anonymous.  What I can tell you is that she is a wonderful mother, and I admire her courage and strength to speak out about Post-Partum Depression (PPD).  It is a very really illness, but many studies find that moms don't get help because of the stigma.  When I read her story, I got the chills because many of her words felt as though they were my own.  Thank you to this old friend of mine for bringing this into the light and giving hope and knowledge to so many.            When our first son was born, I was completely overjoyed. I had immediate overwhelming unconditional love for him. My husband (boyfriend at the time) and I knew right away, we wanted to have another child. We wanted our children to be close in age so they would play well together. After our son reached his first birthday, baby fever started to set in. We got pregnant for the second time when our old...

On Monday, my sweet girl started "school" aka daycare.  When we took her in there, she walked right in, started playing, and didn't notice when we left.  However, when I called to check on her, she'd been crying on and off throughout the day.  I ended up picking her up about 5 hours after we dropped her off since we weren't officially back at work.  We mostly took her to help her (and us) transition a couple days before headed back to work officially on Wednesday (today).  When I picked her up, she was napping.  After finally opening her eyes, she started whimpering and hopped right into my arms.  She told me she painted, but she also told me "See Daddy.  See Boo.  See Oskie."  We talked about her day on the drive home.  I asked her if she felt sad at school, and she said, "I kai...Mama."  (I cry, Mama).  Meaning she was crying for me.  That broke my heart. Tuesday's drop off was different for sure.  She was ve...