About Being A Mom

This week's Phenomenal Mom Friday post comes from a writer who wishes to keep her name and the name of her daughter private.  

Here's her story... 

The day I realized that I was probably pregnant, I was so disappointed. I had committed as a teenager that I would save myself for my husband and for him alone. I committed to purity. And I was doing it. There I was 33 years old and still a virgin and extremely proud of it. Until one day I was pressured to think that if I ever wanted to find someone who would marry me one day that I was gonna have to give it up. Of course, deep down I knew that wasn’t true but I had been experiencing such intense loneliness that I convinced myself that maybe he was right. Maybe I was too uptight.  Maybe if I loosened up a little I would find the love I had always wanted. So, I gave in. Next thing I know I’m missing my monthly cycle and I’m freaking out. 

Shortly after becoming pregnant I found myself also alone. It was just me and the baby growing in my belly. I was so hard on myself for my actions and the bad decisions I was making that led me to that place. And I created in my mind the feeling that other people were going to judge me and criticize me too. But I came to find out that the people closest to me and my amazing church family was not judgmental at all. (At least not the people that I was close to).  I had more support than I could have ever hoped for. The hardest part though was a lack of celebration that I was pregnant.  Usually when a woman gets pregnant there is great joy and elation. The joyful celebration did come but it just took time. By the time the baby shower came people were celebrating WITH me the life that was being formed. 

It’s been just over a year since my daughter was born and I can’t even imagine my life without her. Even though I did not plan her, God did plan her. He knew the exact time and day she would be born before the beginning of time and He has mapped out all the days of her life.  I can’t believe how much I’ve changed in the last two years (since I found out I was pregnant through today). I always thought I understood forgiveness. I grew up in the church and heard all the time that God forgives and forgets. But, God really showed me through this that He TRULY does forgive. It really doesn’t matter what you have done…He will forgive you when you ask Him to. Not only does He forgive you, but He FORGETS it too. You’ve probably heard the scripture verse that states “as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgression from us”. I don’t know if you know this, but the east NEVER meets the west. So, when God says that, He is saying that the sin that He is forgiving you of He will never bring up again. It is forgotten as if you never did it. If only people could forgive the same way…If only I could.

Now I am ready to be the best damn mom I can be! And I believe that God has set apart a man for me that He desired from the beginning of time to step in and be her earthly daddy (and my love).  But for now, being a single mom is something that I will do with joy and thankfulness that I get to be a mom at all. I never knew how amazing it would be. My daughter is so much fun and as her personality unfolds right before my eyes I am in awe that God has entrusted her to me. I still have lots of struggles and I still get emotional and upset with myself sometimes, because although God forgives and forgets it’s hard for me to forget.  But when I look into her beautiful blue eyes I am reminded that all is as it should be and she and I are going to be just fine.