Weighty

My beautiful girl...and me, the me I can't stand looking at in the mirror.
I hate being fat.  I hate it.  I didn't gain that much weight during my pregnancy, only 37 pounds.  Now, while I realize it is suggested to gain only 15-25, I know MANY women who have told me they gained 50, 60, 70, 80 pounds during their pregnancy.  Yet I find myself, today, weighing 3-4 pounds more than when I left the hospital...only 18-20 pounds lighter than I was the last time I got weighed before Ayla was born.
Ick

Being this heavy is ruining my life in a number of ways.  I don't mean to say my life is over or ruined because I'm overweight (technically obese according to my BMI), but it is having so many negative effects on my life.  
Love the belly
I can't buy clothes.  I've tried. Nothing fits, even when I try other sizes.  It is like my body was built all wrong, then add the weight on top of it...screwed. In the last 2 years, I've purchased very few items, barely enough to rotate my clothes.  And nothing I've purchased is a) very cute or b) even my style.  


I can't stand trying to get ready to go out anywhere because I have nothing to wear.  I used to think I had nothing to wear, but boy what I would give for the wardrobe I used to have.


So I don't want to go out.  I stay in.  I've canceled plans and avoided going out because I don't want to deal with it.
...
I look like crap in 99% of the pictures taken of me.  So I stay behind the camera as much as I can.  When the camera is out, I want to disappear, but I don't want to be absent in the pictures of my daughter growing up.  So I don't dodge the camera...but I want to more than anything.
 

When I go out, go to work, or do anything where people see me, I don't even bother.  I don't bother putting on makeup most of the time.  I don't bother styling my hair (a ponytail doesn't count).  I don't care because it doesn't matter...I still look like crap.


Some women can rock being bigger.  I have seen and know women who are my size or even bigger, yet they always look beautiful.  They have a beautiful face or amazing hair, and somehow, they find spunky great wardrobes that make them look amazing. I don't have that beautiful face or stunning hair.  My hair color is beautiful, I admit, but it doesn't ever cooperate when I try to fix it.  So working on my hair and face is a waste because it doesn't really matter...it doesn't make me look any better.  


My size makes me feel worthless.  It makes me feel inadequate.  I feel like no matter where I go, people see this fat, ugly girl with a cute daughter and wonder where she got it from.  Somehow, I feel my size makes me less worthy of people's friendship and love.  I feel like it negates all my good qualities.  I'm the fat smart girl.  I'm the fat blogger. 


With two months to go before my dress fitting, I realize I will also be the fat bride.  I dread the day I get back my wedding pictures because you can't edit out a double chin.  You can't edit out flabby arms.  It breaks my heart.  Your wedding day is the day you are supposed to be at your most beautiful.  It is the one day of your life you will have more pictures taken short of becoming a paparazzi-loved celeb.  The stress and pressure I feel about how I'm going to look on my wedding day is casting a dark shadow over all the other wonderful things I am looking forward to about our big day.  It makes me want to cancel everything and go to the courthouse...except I can't.  We've paid so many of our vendors...so I'll be the fat bride.  I worry that I will cry on my wedding day when I'm getting ready...crying because of how awful I feel about how I look.


I've tried.  I've tried so many things-South Beach, Zumba, running, calorie counting, personal training.  No matter what I do, I just can't lose the weight.  That feeling leaves me torn between wanting to binge eat everything in sight and just say f-ck it and not wanting to eat anything and lay in bed all day, depressed.  I watch women all around me have babies and bounce back within months of having their baby.  And here I am 2 years later, still fighting a losing battle. 


I'm not looking for someone to give me weight loss tips-I know them all.  I've lost weight before, quite successfully.  I'm not looking for someone to tell me I'm beautiful just the way I am.  I just can't hold it all in anymore...I just have to let it out.  Vulnerable, messy, and real.  This is how I feel.


If only I could go back in time and be "fat" like I used to think I was...
Brandon's 24th birthday
Getting ready for Daughtry

Ronin Photo

"A sister is a little bit of childhood that can never be lost." -Marion C. Garretty
<3

Comments

  1. AnonymousJune 8, 2011 at 8:19 PM

    Amber-this makes me want to cry. I am...Everything you are saying are the words I am too afraid to say out loud. I totally understand how you feel.

    It has taken a long time for me to realize that I am not just what I look like. It also amazes me that people do not see me the way I see myself. I think I look awful and people will say nice things to me.

    When I look at you I see a warm bubbly person with a gorgeous smile and gorgeous hair-that is what I always notice. I always see you smiling and you are alwsys so animated. I think you are so special and not once did I look at your body and think you looked awful.

    It is a cyclic problem for many of us. When we get down in the dumps and it doesn't help. We can't buy pretty things we like. I understand.

    I don't have an answer. After losing 25lbs I thought I would be able to make new clothing choices but I still hate the way I look.

    Try to remember:
    You are special
    You are loved
    You are more than what you look like
    You are more than you believe yourself to be

    And it doesn't help much but I will tell you that every woman who read this has felt the same thing. I even have thin friends that go through it as well. We are too hard on ourselves.

    One thing that just popped in my mind is the line from Eat Pray Love...when the thin girl says she has to stop eating. Do you remember???

    ReplyDelete
  2. MonicaJune 9, 2011 at 3:34 AM

    Oh girl, I hear you on this one... I weigh 7 pounds less than my last OB appt when I was still pregnant with Lucas... He was 4 of those pounds

    ReplyDelete
  3. On the MendJune 9, 2011 at 6:59 AM

    I can relate to every word you listed about how you feel about yourself. I used to weigh 310 pounds. I have lost a LOT of weight, thanks to the Gastric Bypass, however... I am still that 310 pound girl in my mind. I look in the mirror, and I do not see the same person everyone else does right now. All I see are flaws. All I have are insecurities. All I focus on are the rolls, the flab, the jiggly parts.
    I admire your detirmination and drive. I am envious of your workout routine and motivation. I do not have that, and I know if I did, I could actually make a change. Sadly, I think it would never be enough, and I would still see all of the bad parts.
    We all see ourselves so differently from how others perceive us. I always notice your smile, your eyes, this amazing glow of happiness that emits from you when I see a picture. I do not see those things that bother you... but then again, they bother "you", not those around you or who love you.
    Thank you for your bravery in sharing these feelings. I hope that the release was one that will help you. <3

    ReplyDelete

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