Life After Death - Parenting doesn't stop when you lose one parent.

I am very excited to bring you the first guest post for Mama Speaks new series, "Phenomenal Mom Fridays."  This post was written by Gillian, author of What the Hell Mama.  I met her many years ago (through my best friend Henriette, a close friend of Gillian's), on the day her daughter Allyson was born.  

Here's her story...

Single parenthood is not uncommon in society today. A lot of it is a choice, a result of a failed relationship, or a parent that just doesn’t want to take responsibility for the child(ren) they helped create. Then there are those of us who become single parents as a result of tragedy. 

Gillian and Chris

Rewind to January 28, 2009. My children were really young. Allyson was four years-old and Dominic was two years-old. Their father, Chris, and I were up watching a movie and having some “quality time” when he suffered a brain aneurysm and died instantly. There was a lot of craziness that became involved as part of his death, a visit from DCF, amongst other things, as if this wasn’t hard enough to deal with. 

Baby Ally with her daddy, Chris

How do you explain to a young child that their father wasn’t coming back? He was there when they went to sleep, but not when they woke up and life became hectic. All of a sudden, I was the only parent. Yes, I had my parents and other family members, but it wasn’t enough. No one could understand the feelings and emotions I had. Not only was I dealing with my own mental health in handling the death of my lover and best friend, but also I was dealing with being the single parent and being concerned with the well-being of my children. At first, it wasn’t easy because they didn’t understand the concept of death, heaven, angels, etc. I told my daughter that daddy had a boo-boo on his brain and went to heaven to be with the angels. What else could I say? 

Life went on. We moved in with my parents the same day Chris died and tried to keep life somewhat normal for the kids. It was crammed with all of us there, including my sister, who was expecting. We made due. Obviously with children so young, they wanted them to begin seeing a grief counselor. They had a woman go to the school to see them once per week. She would call me or catch me at work and tell me her blah-blah-blah for the week, only for me to find out that she wasn’t doing a thing for them but sitting on her butt on the phone or doing paperwork while she let Allyson or Dominic run around and play on the playground. I was mad. Once Dominic changed schools, one of his teachers suggested another office to contact and so I did. The doctor, therapist and other staff is great and understands the struggle we’ve been dealing with. The behavioral and emotional issues are still ongoing and I’m not sure if they are a result of losing their dad or just things that are there. 

Shortly after, I met a wonderful man who I began to see. I was hesitant to “date” someone because of the baggage I felt I was carrying. I was fragile to say the least. When I met Kris (yes, I know…), he understood that I wasn’t 100% and that my heart was broken. When I finally decided it was time for him and the kids to meet, I was really nervous. The time came and it was a little shaky. A new man was in our lives and he WASN’T their father. They took to him like a fish to water. He has become quite a father figure for them. They love him and he loves them. 

Ally with Kris

 

 

Fast forward to present times. The kids, Kris and I live have been living together for a little over a year and life is domestically normal. We have the mom and dad figures with the two little ones.  There are times where I still feel like the single parent I once was and those times can be especially trying. Both of my children have emotional and behavioral issues. This makes it the most difficult. We have a loving, supportive man in our lives, a daddy. 

Dominic and Kris