Life with a Little Girl

Today's Phenomenal Mom Friday post comes courtesy of my dear friend Tori.  Tori is not only a phenomenal mom, but she is also an amazing teacher who works with special education students.  

Here's her story... 

Phenomenal Mom Tori & her precious little girl

I always knew that I wanted to be a mother…ever since I was a little girl. I would play “house” like the average little girl does. I always wanted to be a mother to a precious little boy. While playing “house,” my role was always that of a mommy that had two little boys. I had this set in my mind from the get go.

When my husband and I found out that we were pregnant, everyone started telling us that we were definitely having a girl – believing that sending me pictures of cute baby girls would magically create a little girl inside of me. Friends and family started to look up old wives tales and would guarantee that we were having a little girl. Friends and family began to buy little girl items (pink this and pink that). I would play along with them and say, “Yeah yeah, you will be eating your words when we find out that we are having a little boy!”

I had an early morning ultrasound and during this ultrasound, we had the choice of being told if we had a little girl or a little boy growing inside of me. I had made a deal with my coworkers that I would wear either a pink or blue shirt to work that day – indicating what news we were delivered at the doctor’s office.

The day had finally come. We were having our ultrasound. I had never been so nervous in all my life. I wore a neutral colored shirt into the doctor’s office, but had both a blue shirt (which was newly bought so I could prove my friends and family wrong) and a pink shirt as well. During the ultrasound, they were measuring and moving all around and telling me what the little movements on the screen were. The heartbeat was beating perfectly. It was measuring at 160 at this particular appointment. It always measured at or above 160 at all previous appointments (one wives tale that indicated we were having a girl). The technician asked if we wanted to know the sex. My husband and I excitedly said, “YES!” Holding hands the whole time, watching the little blob on the screen move all over the place, it took forever for her to finish measuring all the different body parts.

Finally, the tech said that the baby’s legs were crossed and asked me to use the restroom – as this normally moves the baby and she would be able to determine if we were having a little girl or a little boy. After using the restroom, the tech said that the baby’s legs were uncrossed and she could tell the sex. She asked once again if we wanted to know. Once again, with so much excitement and anticipation, we both said, “YES!” A few seconds later, she said, “Congratulations! You are having a girl!! You see this right here…” and I don’t remember much after this point in time. She pointed to “hamburger parts” or something along those lines, but I was no longer looking at the screen, but instead, staring at my husband, who was staring at the floor. My heart fell to my stomach – my stomach….the home of a little GIRL. 

Steelers fan already!

How could this be? We had hoped and prayed and wished with all of my might for a little boy. Both my husband and I desperately wanted a little boy! What had I done wrong? Why am I being “blessed” with a little girl? I didn’t  understand and I instantly began to feel as if I had let my husband and myself down. Of course, later on, friends and family joked and said, “Well, you know, it’s really the GUYS that determine the sex. Not you!” That never made me feel better honestly, but I would always laugh along.

We went down to my car to get the PINK shirt. I hate pink. I can’t stand pink. I never wear pink. I did not want to wear pink. I was miserable as I walked into the restroom to change shirts. I came out and by this time, my husband was smiling from ear to ear and he gave me the biggest hug. He whispered in my ear, “We are having a little girl. A little girl, baby!! A little girl!” and I said, “So? I don’t want to go back to work. I don’t want to hear, ‘I told you so!’ from anyone. I can’t deal with anyone right now!” At that point in time, I burst into tears…and there was no stopping them. It was a cool January day and so I had my jacket on over my shirt. I had it zipped as high as it would go…just so no one could see. I didn’t want anyone to see. I didn’t want to hear “YAY!” or “Congratulations!” or “Little girls are the best!” or anything like that.

The 20 minute drive to work, I bawled my eyes out. Again, that feeling of being a “failure” completed smothered me. My sister called and she was the first one that I told. I couldn’t hardly get the words out. Her first question was, “Are you not happy?” and I flat out said, “No. I wanted a boy!” She tried to console me, but nothing was working. As we were talking, my parents, who live in Germany, were calling in. So, I accepted the phone call. My father said with so much excitement, “Soooo, am I a grandfather of a baby BOY or a baby GIRL?” I sobbed into the phone something that no one could understand, but my father understood perfectly. He said, “Oh…my…goodness!! Honey, you are going to have a GIRL!” and then went on and on about little girls being such a blessing and went down memory lane of having myself and my sister. I didn’t hear much of what he said and while I was talking to him, my best friend in Iowa was calling in. As I was nearing work, I told my dad that I wanted to talk to her real quick before I got to work and that I would call him later. I was now asked, “Ok!!! Am I having a niece or nephew?” Again, I sobbed something into the phone that no one could understand, but she understood completely. She started to cry as well…for me. She was elated, because she has two little girls of her own. She started to tell me stories of her two little girls…stories that I already knew…but I let her talk. It was better than me having to say anything.

I finally arrived at my dreaded destination – work. I tried to zip my jacket up higher than it already was, but it couldn’t go any higher. I had promised my coworker that I would tell her first and so I walked into my classroom and she stood there…awaiting the news. I am pretty sure she could see my red and puffy eyes and knew right then and there, but she needed confirmation. I unzipped my shirt half an inch and she saw that little shimmer of pink. She screamed, ran over to me, and gave me the biggest hug ever. I started to bawl all over again. She was crying as well, but our tears were very different. She had so desperately wanted me to have a little girl – had wished it upon us – had rubbed pink blankets all over my pregnant belly. I would always roll my eyes at her, but I wanted her to take all of that back right at that very moment in time. She tried to tell me all kinds of reassuring things, but like with everyone else, it simply went in one ear and out the other.

I had friends stop by my classroom just to see the color of my shirt. I had friends stop me in the cafeteria and the teacher work room and the teacher dining room. I couldn’t hide my gloom and doom. I wore it right out there for everyone to see. People didn’t know how to react or respond to my depressed look. This “look” that I had went on for days. My heart remained in my pregnant belly where I was housing a little baby girl.

My husband then began to address my tummy by the name we had picked out for a little girl – Leala (pronounced Lee-la). This actually snapped me out of my depression – yes, I was actually depressed about this and I guess there is such a thing called “gender depression” or something along those lines. I didn’t want to be like that forever. I kept telling myself that I was being ridiculous – absolutely ridiculous! Then the tears would start again. A very good friend gave me a cd with all songs that had to do with the relationship between parents and their daughter (there are a lot out there and I never knew that). Between listening to that cd constantly and hearing my husband address my tummy as “Leala” now, the tears began to fade away. I began to smile again. I began to look at little girl clothes…but NOT pink clothes.

I told friends and family to please not get us pink and purple items for her…some listened, a lot did not. As my pregnancy continued and we received confirmation once again that yes, we were having a little girl, I was completely and totally happy with this. I, too, would address my very pregnant belly as Leala…it was no longer “the baby”. Towards the end of my pregnancy, soon upon her arrival into this world, I began to feel extremely guilty all of a sudden – guilt about ever wishing that I would never have a girl. I felt as if I was wishing that I would never want Leala and that couldn’t be further from the truth.

A perfect moment

On June 22, 2010, at 9:22 pm, my little girl, Leala Lynae, entered into this crazy world. When I saw her beautiful blue eyes, my blue eyes began to well up with tears. When I saw her peach fuzz on her head, when I saw her perfect little nose, when I watched as she did not cry, but instead, she looked around the hospital room and was probably thinking, “WHERE in the world AM I????”, I fell in love. I fell in love with the most perfect little GIRL ever known to man. Leala is my world. She is my life. She is my heart. She is my everything. She is my soul. She is the air that I breathe. She is the sun and the moon. She makes me want to wake up every morning. She makes me want to be a better person. She has helped me to become a good mom and makes me strive to be the best mom. She has captivated me. She had made me realize that I love her in a way that I could never love another – I never ever once knew that a love like this could and does exist. She is why I am here today…writing this…life with a little GIRL is something that I could never imagine, something that I didn’t know would make me the happiest person in the world. Life with a little GIRL…life with my little Leala girl…is completely perfect. I love her more than life itself and yes, I still feel guilt from time to time, about ever NOT wanting her…if I had only known then what I know now, I wouldn’t have wasted so much time being so down and upset. Instead, I would have daydreamed about the perfect little being that has been brought into our lives. She hasn’t only touched my husband and my life, but the lives around us. Our family members, our friends, people that we don’t even know…everyone that comes in contact with Leala…they are truly touched by her. I would do and have done absolutely anything for her. I have and will continue to sacrifice for her. I have and will continue to love with every fiber in me. 

Snuggles

Life with a little GIRL…is truly great from my point of view!  :)

Reading

 

Leala and her parents

 And yes, she does wear pink…but I still hate it! :)

Leala Lynae